Pesticide...

I've rid the world of 1 pest. That should be considered a good deed. While I am trying my best to be a guardian watching over her, I realised that I'm nothing more than a pest. The worse thing about people who are irritating is that they have no idea how annoying they actually are to the others. I'm just glad that I figured it out sooner rather than later. Stop making a fool of myself. In fact, what do I hope to achieve by doing so? Nothing is gonna happen. WAKE UP!! Stop dreaming and hoping! She no longer love me since the day we broke. We are just friends. Friends. This word hurts. The first part to letting go is to acknowledge and face the truth. I've learnt to accept that whatever that is been said in the past is just gonna be a distant memory, nothing more than a broken promise. Live with it, and move on. Now come the hardest part: letting go. I simply could not live with the idea of being just friends. My heart refuse to accept this new form of relationship. NO!! It's killing me, poisoning me, feeding me with futile hopes, causing me to wake up each day with continuing pain and misery. My body is weakening, my mind is corrupted, my soul is broken. No one realises the changes in me most except for myself. I can't focus and my attention span is super low these days. My temper is getting from bad to worse. Nowadays I'm deriving joy from irritating customers when I'm working. I might need anger management, my Dad obviously being one of the first victims and expressed his displeasure towards my recent behaviour. I used to be a very patient and sensitive man, and now I've lost them too. I always felt that something is missing, but I can't quite figure out what it is. Maybe I need a goal or something. I dun really like the new me, however, is there really a need for me to change? Perhaps I've more suited for this kind of style. Who gives a shit anyways??

Hmmm...

What if I say I'm not like the others? What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays? You're the pretender. What if I say I will never surrender? (quoted from the song The pretender by Foo Fighters)

Reflections...

It's been so long since she called me Dera, Bubu, Babu, Babulious, Bu-ning, Bu-ster etc etc etc. I miss all these names, even though they sounded retarded. I still miss her every single day. I'll think of her everyday when I wake, before I sleep, before I start work, before I go out with friends, and between breaks. I feel sad whenever I think of her, whenever I thought of what happened between us. Sometimes, I'm in such pain that I dun feel like going to school or work. My life has been empty since. Nothing has changed much since the break. The only solace I get is from Newcastle winning the Championship. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, now that they have done it. Despite whatever I've done, it seems like I haven been doing enough. What should I be doing? Once upon a time, she'll be so happy to meet me whenever I'm free. Those days are over. She doesn't even sounded happy to hear from me anymore. I wonder if she still cares about me. While she's coping well on her own and sharing with me all her joys and woes, it seems like I'm been forgotten. Or maybe I should. I'm sure her circle of friends has increased ever since the break. I dunno why, but I really got the feeling that I'm not needed anymore, that it's really over. Why am I trying so hard to still be part of her life? Why do I get jealous over frivolous stuff? Why can't I just get over it? Why hasn't anything changed? Why am I in such a mess? I'm holding on tight, but the sands are slipping off my hands. I dun have control. It's good that my parents no longer ask me abt her, lessen my misery. I guess it is just me now, a prisoner of my own memory.

She killed me.

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅 抱得我都痛
我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火 最长的相拥
(quoted from the song 我怀念的 by 孙燕姿)

Good Friday...

Finally a Good Friday after so many black Fridays. =)
I really miss her so much. It was really sad when we parted. Anyway, Clash of the Titans is over-rated.

I love u.

为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争
现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错 我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
(quoted from the song 心动心痛 by 许慧欣&刘耕宏)