Handle With Care...

It seems like an eternity since I've felt so happy. I was so excited about meeting her the day before that I was unable to sleep (not like I have been able to sleep anyway...). My weariness disappear after I saw her. =) Wahaha!! Words can't describe my delight upon finally seeing her. I believe we talked for more than we have ever did for the past 2 weeks (even though we din really talk much...). She's so irresistable and I really have a hard time restraining myself from touching her (OK, I'm not trying hard enough...) Nonetheless, I dun want to spoil it. I have to make sure I dun do the wrong things, or say the wrong words to make her sad or angry. Everything is so.... fragile. I'm really hope I wun screw anything up again.

I found my heartbeat again.

Well, all I really want to do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use, but I still can't say it after all we've been through. And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building, and I'll find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me... (quoted from the song If it kills me by Jason Mraz)

Memory...

The past week days, I've been tormented by the memories between her and me. The pain I'm feeling now is much stronger than last year. Probably becos this time round, I'm left with no escape route. However, I'll still be strong. I still remember clearly the 2 most important things that she had ever said to me.

"Dun worry, I'll never leave u..."
"I really love u, u know?..."

These words have always comforted me, and now, they are my strength to keep me going. I really miss her. I miss her like crazy. I still send her msges everyday, even though she never reply me. I'm guessing that she's feeling very miserable too, so I try to keep them simple and short. I wanted to call her, but I dunno what to say to her. Actually, I'm not trying to give her a morning call these few days. She had never needed any of these. I just wanted to hear her voice. I haven been able to sleep well all these nights. I always waited till 7 plus in the morning to call her so that I wun disturb her from her sleep. When we first got together in Uni, I remember I once said to her that she'll be the last person to see and hear before she sleeps, and the first person to see and hear when she's awake. I wonder if she still remembers... It is funny that all these memories start flooding my mind at this time.

We used to be each other's best friend, support, soul mate. Whenever any one of us are feeling down, we always have each other. I'm so not used to being alone now. I used to comfort her on so many occasion, telling her to get stronger. I guess I'm the one who's weak now.

夜深了我怎麽办
寂寞了谁在身旁
心情变得好复杂
想她 念她 恨她
一个人你害怕吗
细数过满天星光
说好永远不分开
多假 多假 多假
(quoted from the song 寂寞好了 by 蔡旻佑)

Forgot...

It is funny how I can forget to do something even though I've been told. Just yesterday, I forgot to inform my trainee of something very grave 5 mins after I've be warned by my supervisor, almost causing her her job. But that is not the end. I just basically screwed myself a week ago by not bringing any gifts to my Dera's house during CNY. The consequences: I'm branded insincere; trying to challenge the authorities; lost their trust; losing my Dera. All becos of my forgetfulness. Well done. Fair enough, I should have no complains. I failed to see the seriousness of the situations, a slip of mind is never a gd enough excuse for that. What bothers me most is not the displeasure towards me by her parents, for I know they have always thought I wasn't gd enough for their daughter. It is the manner that they treat the incident. Purposely scrutinising me, condeming me, looking down on me in front of their friends and relatives and Dera. All these are too much for her to take. She lost all her face and is furious at me for my mistake. No amount of apologies is able to express my sorry towards her. Even when I tried to make amends, it was deemed unacceptable, too late. Once again, what can i say?? I've never been able to make her proud of whatever I do. Her parents cannot comprehend what she sees in me. I've just given them yet another reason to hate me. Now, I can no longer face her parents and her relatives anymore. I really dunno what to do. I can't blame Dera for giving me up. I know she's under tremendous stress and pressure from her family side, especially her parents. I really shdn't make life difficult for her anymore.

I've been feeling miserable for the past few days. Very miserable. I'm not used to the new changes. It feels weird. I felt like I'm all alone, neglected. for the past 3 years, almost 4, she has never ignore me like this. Even when I was in great pain and sorrow, trying to seek comfort in her, I can't find any. She wun even wan to reply me at all. A complete change from 2 weeks back. The smile on her face faded, her attitude changed, her love towards me vanquished. My Dera is gone. It is sad, very sad. after all the things I've done for her. I know I haven been the best bf, I failed to give her the security and stability that she has been wanting all along. Despite all these, I'm willingly to give her all of my everything, even at the expense of me starving or tired. She used to tell me that she love me becos I can always put a smile on her face... but I can't do that anymore. The pressure that she's dealing with now is too great to accomodate my flaws. Everything has changed. My existence is no longer required. I really hate losing her in this manner, I really do. I hate myself for my absent-mindedness, but it is all too late for salvage now isn't it? My life has ended.

I love u Dera. It has to happen now, just 1 month before our 4 years anniversary. I believe I haven tell u enough how much u mean to me. You were my everything, the only reason for me to live. Everything I was doing before is geared towards a better life for u and me, now they all seem pointless now. Dera. I love you. Always.

Now I can't sing a love song, like the way it's meant to be. Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore, but baby that's just me. And I will love you baby - always. And I'll be there forever and a day - always. I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme, and I know when I die, you'll be on my mind, and I love you - always... (quoted from the song Always by Bon Jovi)

Cry...

It's been so long, that I've almost fogotten how it feels like.
A stab to the heart, my hamster died on the 16th Feb.
Another stab to the heart, my greatest fear surfaced.
The ironic thing is I'm supposed to be happy becos it's CNY.
Not exactly the best of times.
It hurts... it really hurts.
But it wasn't blood that was flowing down.
Hello friend, I'm back.

你的掌心你的温柔
点燃了我点燃了寂寞
别管我松开手心有多痛
只要你幸福迎风
我愿意沈默
我愿放开双手给你自由给你梦
给你宽阔天空飞翔放纵
你说爱他灵魂为他牺牲是认真
你是他的风筝
该由他来心疼
别管沈默的我孤独的我怎麽过
你要珍重自己好好生活
我愿美丽风筝快乐天真去遨翔
就算我一个人孤独荒凉
(quoted from the song 他的风筝 by 萧煌奇)