Reflections...

It's been so long since she called me Dera, Bubu, Babu, Babulious, Bu-ning, Bu-ster etc etc etc. I miss all these names, even though they sounded retarded. I still miss her every single day. I'll think of her everyday when I wake, before I sleep, before I start work, before I go out with friends, and between breaks. I feel sad whenever I think of her, whenever I thought of what happened between us. Sometimes, I'm in such pain that I dun feel like going to school or work. My life has been empty since. Nothing has changed much since the break. The only solace I get is from Newcastle winning the Championship. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, now that they have done it. Despite whatever I've done, it seems like I haven been doing enough. What should I be doing? Once upon a time, she'll be so happy to meet me whenever I'm free. Those days are over. She doesn't even sounded happy to hear from me anymore. I wonder if she still cares about me. While she's coping well on her own and sharing with me all her joys and woes, it seems like I'm been forgotten. Or maybe I should. I'm sure her circle of friends has increased ever since the break. I dunno why, but I really got the feeling that I'm not needed anymore, that it's really over. Why am I trying so hard to still be part of her life? Why do I get jealous over frivolous stuff? Why can't I just get over it? Why hasn't anything changed? Why am I in such a mess? I'm holding on tight, but the sands are slipping off my hands. I dun have control. It's good that my parents no longer ask me abt her, lessen my misery. I guess it is just me now, a prisoner of my own memory.

She killed me.

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅 抱得我都痛
我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火 最长的相拥
(quoted from the song 我怀念的 by 孙燕姿)