Disclaimer...

Every entry that is posted here are purely my thoughts and composed by me unless otherwise stated. Somethings are fictional, however most other things are true, to me at least. I do not have any intention to offend anyone. Furthermore, this is MY blog, so I write whatever I want. I hereby apologise to anyone who is hurt by my comments or thoughts. This blog is a venue for me to express myself, not to please the crowd, thus I may not be so tactful in my writings. Sometimes, I may even seem very arrogant and proud. For your viewing pleasure, just read for fun and dun take my comments too seriously.

Sometimes, I really hate my guts, however, it takes MORE than just courage to do certain things. Perhaps it is because of this 敢爱敢恨 attitude, I dun care about other things and ppl's feeling, much to the dismay and surprise of many ppl. I've never doubt my sense of judgement and taste and I've never set any standards for myself. I do what I deem fit.

Perhaps... it is me who need to know my stand.

为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
(quoted from the song 心动心痛 by 刘畊宏 许慧欣)

Scandalous...

Somethings are not meant to be done without careful considerations of the consequences. If not, it may cause undue stress and worries to another party. Knowing my roomie, I know that it is almost impossible that anything can happen. Furthermore, he already has someone in mind. All I can say is, she has A LOT of work to do.

It is interesting to note that if you are still single, there will be rumours and scandals circulating around you. Almost anything can spark a fire. The wind will then spread the fire at hurricane pace, leaving you shell shock before you can even do anything. There's really no point in trying to put out the fire. Might only get yourself burnt in the process, rather than saving yourself.

Seriously speaking, I do not know exactly where I stand also. I'll like to think that I'm talented in many areas, but seems like that is not true. Haha... the truth hurts. That's probably the reason why I'm always quite indecisive and reluntant to take a proactive role. So many things to worry about, so many things to be concerned with. I'll rather be on the receiving end.

I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold. See inside, inside of our heads (yeah). Well now that's over, I see your motives inside, decisions to hide... (quoted from the song Headstrong from Trapt)

Reflections...

Usually I think I'm quite a gentleman, I treat most of my friends equally good and never flare up in front of them. I limit my use of vulgarities in front of gals and even gave them flowers on V'day. I dun think I've made many ppl angry before. I always try to play by the rules. I even give up my seat on buses and trains to elders and pregnant woman! I do know that I dun always have to be the nice guy. However when I show attitude, ppl say I'm anti-social or distant. Nice guy = no character = boring?? Or bad guy = attitude = unfriendly?? Hmm... dunno.

I do realise that I do not have to be too nice to any particular person, especially when that person treat you as a normal fren only. Like what a fren said, " if a person likes you, no matter what you do, that person will also like it, the same applies otherwise". Therefore, there's really no point in trying too hard to please someone. Somethings just can't be forced. Let nature takes its course. I think trying too hard may also irritate a person. It might cause the person to feel guilty of what you have done rather than appreciate your effort. As such, I've decided to not do anything drastic anymore after this. I suppose that's the way she likes it.

Somethings ain't what it seems. The water may look calm on the surface, but one can never tell what lies beneath. Therefore, it is almost impossible to find out certain things by looking at its cover. Although I may give an uninterested look, I may be just concealing my feelings...haha! Courtyard 3 everyday!

With pride, honour, truth, sincerity and love, 24/02/2006, Friday, 1700hrs

To the love I left my conscience pressed, between the pages of the Bible in the drawer. “What did it ever do for me," I say. It never calls me when I'm down. Love never wanted me... (quoted from the song XO by Fall Out Boys)

Simplicity in complexity...

The pouring rain will stop eventually. The burning flames will be extinguished in a matter of time. The battery life will run out after a while. The flowers will wither soon after it is plucked even when you try to prolong its life. All that glitter does not glow. Nothing last forever. The heart is a powerful generator, constantly pumping and providing the fuel to keep one going and to sustain one's interest. This is where I draw my energy from. My heart overrules my mind most of the time. Perhaps that's the reason why sometimes I'm very stubborn and irrational. I do know certain things, I'm not that dumb afterall. Some things do not need to be said so many times, as long as you mean what you say, once is enough. In spite of the things ppl are telling me, my stand is still firm. The fact that I closed all other options around me only served to make me more focused. I'm sorry if I refuse to take any hints or be a bit distant as I'm worried that I'll be transmitting the wrong idea to anyone. I'm really not in the mood to do anything at the moment also. Therefore, please pardon my insensitivity and forgive me for being indifferent and overly lethagic. The mind is very complex, there's an infinite number of ways ppl can think for certain things. I hate mind games. Assumptions only make matters worse. That's the reason why I decided not to think anymore. Just follow my heart. I do not know when this feeling will ever die, well at least I'm enjoying it, even if it is ephemeral. Haha... Things will not always go your way, just do whatever you like and enjoy the process!~ Dun have to think so much.

好旧好旧 外面的灰尘包围了我
好暗好暗 铁盒的钥匙我找不到
放在糖果旁的是我 很想回忆的甜
然而过滤了你和我 沦落而成美
沉在盒子里的是你 给我的快乐
我很想记得可是我记不得
(quoted from the song 半岛铁盒 by 周杰伦)

Dear Blog...

No one else understands me better than you do. You have provided me with the space and "ears" to express how I feel. You have been an excellent confidant, and I know that my secrets wun be leaked out unless I choose to. However, there's only as much you can do. I still need someone who can commute with me, laugh with me, and to agree with me. So many things I have wanted to pen down, but I dunno how and where to start. I'm starting to feel the pressure again. The rat race has started long ago. If I dun start to panic and do something abt it now, I'll never be able to catch up. The term "play hard, study smart" doesn't seem to apply to me anymore. I have to "play hard, study smart AND HARD".

Stupid horoscope says that cancerians make great artists and performers because they are very emotional and complex. Perhaps I shd just go take part in some singing or acting competition and have a shot at stardom. Then dun have to study so hard anymore. HAHA, like so easy like that. Come on Jared, wake up your freaking idea!!

There's another Chinese saying, 红颜祸水, which means women are nothing but trouble. Can't say that i agree totally. They do bring warm and laughter also. So, in spite of the headaches, heartaches, lack of sleep, loss of appetite and necessary worries, I'm asking for it. Hah! What an idiot...

Yours faithfully,
Stupid Awoken Fool
19th Feb 2006

最痴情的男人像海洋
爱在风暴里逞强
苦还是风平浪静的模样
卷起了依恋那么长
挥手目送你启航
到你觉得我给不了的天堂
(quoted from the song 男人.海洋 by 周传雄)

Meritocracy...

Most people are judged by their ability, achievement or performance, supposedly. Or at least that's what our nation is like. Almost everything is based on meritocracy. This is professed to be fair and at the same time single out the elites from the norm. At such, the good ones will always get the better ones, something which they "deserved". However, one has to note that opportunities and talent plays a crucial part also. Not everyone is given the same opportunities due to different background. This is a major flaw in the system but who gives a damn? In schools, students are judged by how well they do academically, not how talented they are. In the working society, people are judged by their certificants, not experience. In Singapore, people are working hard just to survive, there's no time for personal interest or pursuit at all. Seems like the only time is either when one is young, still being supported by parents, or when they are old, earned enough after retirement to truely enjoy themselves. Ain't that sad, the best times of our lives spent mugging and working away. How many times have I regretted at the fact I can't do architecture, a childhood ambition, as my result wasn't gd enuff. Does anyone ever appreciate my talent or creativity in designing? I hate streaming. Everything is based on grades. As much as I hate meritocracy, I do hope that it exist sometimes, especially in the area of sports and games. I'm appalled by the fact that ppl are getting recognition for frivilous stuffs. Some even got it because of connections. How fucked up can it get? 2 person doing the same thing and one obviously is the better than the other, yet the other one gets the credit. I'm absolutely overwrought. What is fair nowadays?

When i reminisce ignorance was bliss, back in the days where the magic exist, never be the same as it was, 'cuz the way it was, just another day in the maze of a myth. Had a lot of fun living life on the run, never had a chance to pause to get a better glance. Everything was free and everything was fast. Never even thought it wouldn't last... (quoted from the song Lonely world by Limp Bizkit)

Fool's reservation...

There's only room for one and it has already been reserved.
I'm gutted, powerless, and yet I never felt more alive.
I dun give a damn abt what other ppl feel or think.
This is my choice.
Perhaps it is just wishful thinking on my part.
However, stupidity knows no bound.
I like being a fool even if that's the case.
No one else ever makes me feel so comfortable.
No one else managed to cheer me up so easily.
No one else had me made somethings by myself after so long.
No one else managed to wake me up from my eternal slumber.
No one else caused me so much heartache and agony.
No one else ever come closer than this.
No one else.
There's only one.

会不会有一点无奈
会不会有一点太快
可是你给我的爱
让我养成了依赖
心中充满爱的节拍
(quoted from the song 不得不爱 by 潘玮柏 弦子)

Happy Valentine's Day...

Valentine's Day. Probably one of the most overly commercialised and hyped event of the year. Take a walk around NTU or even the streets and you'll find vendors and students aggressively trying to promote their items. In hall, the D&D side are selling gifts, outside hall, my CAC side is selling flowers. Anything can be linked to V'day, even the food stall also sell some buns that comes in the shape of a heart and called it "lovers bun"!! Wahahaha!

V'day had been quite a busy day for me. Had to distribute flowers within campus and not forgetting that I had not studied for my quiz which was on the same day. As expected, I think I did badly for the quiz. Shit. Got lots of catching up to do during the recess week. Delivery of the flowers went quite smoothly, except that some locations are not easy to find. Last delivery within campus ended around 8. I was damn glad when it finally ceased. The FOC main commers had really committed their time and effort to make the whole canvassing a success, all the plannings and nights spent wrapping the stupid flowers. I truly respect all of you.
Flowers...
More stupid flowers...
Stupid bears with stupid flowers...

After the canvassing, I went KTV with Aimee, Kelly, Freddie and Junjie. Quite fun lah, seriously. Very long never vent my frustration already. Made used of the chance to scream and shout...haha. Really sang until no voice and suffered 'internal injuries'.

Kelly & me

Aimee & me

Fred, Aim, me and JJ

Even though the day had ended, apparantly the night was still young. Had a mahjong session with Aimee, Clement and Yongjie. Kelly shared with me. Seems like the lure of mahjong is too great, Clement and Yongjie got 830 lesson and Kelly got quiz the next day, however, they still wanted to play....haha. In the end, Kelly and me turned out to be the biggest winner, felt kinda bad asking them to play and win their money actually. Sorry manz. Wun be so lucky all the time..haha!

It had been an enjoyable day.

恋爱ING HAPPY ING
心情就像是 坐上一台喷射机
恋爱ING 改变 ING
改变了黄昏 黎明 有你 都心跳到不行
(quoted from the song 恋爱ING by 五月天)

Better man...

I'm feeling much better. Cleared some misunderstanding with my co-head and restored some equilibrium. Played nice guy by giving flowers to all the ladies in the main com. I like to see the surprised look on their faces. I always like to give ppl surprises, haha, I think ppl thinks I'm unpredictable due to my mood swings. Although I din really do much wrapping towards the end, I tried to redeem myself by offering food and drinks from my room. See, I'm such a nice guy... haha!!

Day 1 of wrapping has passed, but we still failed to meet our objective of wrapping 200 bouquet of flowers. I'm really worried that we wun be able to finish wrapping. Touch wood. And once again, I'm disappointed with my sub commers. Only 1 representative yet again. There's a limit to one's tolerance and I think my limit is breaking. One more time, and I'll have to treat you 'fried cuttlefish'. What can I say abt the wrapping of flowers today? In short, it was boring, long and bloody cold. I wonder how they are gg to spend the night inside Siberia with no blanket and long pants. Inexperience and some cork up here and there significantly retard our progress. Hopefully, with more ppl coming to help out tmr and a bit of luck, we can finish wrapping up all the flowers. *Fingers crossed*

Wow, look at you now, flowers in the window. It's such a lovely day and i'm glad you feel the same, cause to stand up, out in the crowd, you are one in a million... (quoted from the song Flowers in the window from Travis)

Rock solid...

It's that time of the year again. The time to scream and let it all out! It's been a long time since I feel like going K box. Usually I'll only feel like it on 2 occasions. 1 is when I'm feeling happy, the other is when I feel frustrated. The things happening around me are seriously enough to drive me crazy. The deliveries of the freaking flowers are constantly irking me. So little time, so much work. I do not wish to be known as the one who screwed the whole thing up (again). When is the recess week coming?? I really need it.

It has been a while since I listened to nice rock music, except the old ones which I already had. These so called 'noise' which many ppl perceived are music to my ears. I really kinda regretted not joining jam band last year. Not that I like to perform, but I missed out on a chance to rock the all hall down. No offence to the female leads that we had, but I think their songs are so slow and boring. Jam band became something like English version of 'ge yao'. What a waste of the electric guitars and drum sets! I've always like the feeling of screeching my voice and screaming at the top of my lungs to reach the high notes. The harder it is, the more satisfaction I get when I reach it. Choir is so different. Especially when you sing by parts, the tune sounds so weird. I think I'm gonna quit choir next year.

A few things to bitch about:
1. My back is breaking, perhaps a premonition that something is wrong with my spine? Just like my brother?
2. I'm losing weight, damn. Serious loss of appetite due to mood swing.
3. When my status on MSN is 'away', it means I'm AWAY, so dun msg me if u need to find me. I got this cute little thing call handphone in case you dunno. Btw, MSN sucks. I can't receive and send files and msges at times.
4. Take me out, I need some breathing room. My time is for ME, not YOU, unless you are someone special to me.
5. So hard to find meal khaki nowadays. Ppl around are either eating with their bf/gf, or that I've got a problem with them. I have to 'eat' myself.
6. What is professionalism and responsibility? They are the things holding me back, so that i wun quit FOC. It is really pointless for me. After all the slashing, I'll be left with virtually zero points.

Been taking photos for the year book, Aurora, lately. Here's a few photo. More coming up soon...

Hall 3 Soccer team. This is a good team, it's a pity we din go further than quarters...

Hall 3 JCRC Social Sect. Quite an OK bunch of ppl. The ironic thing is that I'm quite antisocial...haha. Check out Kellyn, Charlotte and Yanqi getting ready to push Luan Shuang to Cindy...hah

I scratch a living, it ain't easy, you know it's a drag. I'm always paying, never make it, but you can't look back. I wonder if I'll ever get to where I want to be... (quoted from the song Cash machine by Hard-Fi)

Letter of apology...

I used to think that I've always been tactful and careful in all my dealings and actions. Obviously I'm not as sensitive as I thought I am. I forgot that there's this thing called comfort zone. A moment of madness almost caused me to lose something which was built up and established in over a few months. Well, I dunno what's gotten into me, but even an idiot will know that that was a wrong move. Checkmate. Great... so I'm worse than an idiot, urgh!~ Nonetheless, I'm really glad that I cleared the air. Everything becomes clear. I guess things will take sometime to recover, even though it might never recover to its original state. Still, I fully respect and understand your decision. I know that it is not abt finding out whose fault it is, but I'll always think that the fault lies in me, for it is me who jeopardise this friendship. Still frens ya?

A word the very least: sorry~

It's like I missed a shot, it's like I dropped the ball. (Damn I'm sorry) It's like I'm on stage, and I forgot the words. (Damn, I'm sorry) It's like building a new house, with no roof and no doors. (Damn, I'm sorry)... (quoted from the song Sorry 2004 by Ruben Studdard)

Adaptation...

If you were to ask me 1 year ago who do I think my roomie will be when I enter university, Samuel will be one of the last names that appear on my list. Our personalities are so different! We probably din share much common interest either. The only things that I can think of is the english rock that I listened to and badminton. Actually, I'm sure that even now, people are surprised to know that he is actually my roomie.

In spite of all these differences, I'm surprised by how harmonious we managed to live together. He is able to tolerate my mood swings and I'm able to endure his directness. The other interesting thing is that we seem to have adapted to each other's style. He seems to have developed a liking for Chinese pop while I begin to enjoy club music. Nowadays, he even orders teh 'O' in coffeeshop together with me...haha. One thing I cannot adapt is probably the 'art' that was pinned on his board. I hope he doesn't spread his 'art' over the wall and my side of the board.

Although sometimes our thinking differs, it gives each other insights on how things can be viewed from different angles. Probably that's the reason why we complement each other so well. When he share his ideas and problems with me, I'm able to tell him how I feel. He'll also give me his advice when I have my own problems. He is also probably one of few ppl in hall who knows the real me...hah! Hmm... how interesting. Cats and dogs are able to live together in peace and harmony.

No one could ever know me. No one could ever see me. Seems your the only one who knows what's it's like to be me. Someone to face the day with. Make it through all the mess with. Someone I'll always laugh with. Even at my worst, I'm best with you... (quoted from the song I'll be there for you by The Rembrandts)

Dramarama...

I declare last week as drama week for me. Had courtyard 2 rehearsal on Wed and the actual performance on Thurs. Courtyard 2 was a lot worse compared to Courtyard 1. There was little time to prepare and the directing was poor. Apart from the script which they provided and getting the actors to come down, I really couldn't see what the directors had done. Actually I can't really fault the directors of the first play, the one I acted in. As the title implied, "Oh, I found you! Happiness is in your hands!", it is the same concept as the TV show. The directors tried to keep it as close to the original as possible, so it was really quite easy for them. The actors had to do most of the work. Thinking abt how to portray ourselves and the lines that we were gg to say. It was quite impromtu. I'm just glad that the bunch of actors and actresses in the play are all 'famous' comedians, so naturally, the play was funny already. There was actually some cock up on the actual performance, and the flow wasn't really smooth. Still, it turned out quite fine. I'm just glad that it was finally over.

The second play was quite bad. Apart from the good acting by most of the actors, the play was too draggy and the scenes dun really link well. According to the actors, the directors also din direct the play well. The concept of the play was actually quite gd, can play around with many different ideas. Seems to me there's no orginality again. Perhaps I'm being too critical, I suppose they have done ther best. Overall, the whole thing was quite alrite lah. Free entertainment, what else can you expect? Haha...

Apart from the drama performance, things around me also became more dramatic. Somethings happened very fast. Too fast for my liking. I'm surprised at how the story had unfold to a stage like this. I'm lost. OMG, I've never done this before! ARGH!!

狼牙月 伊人憔悴
我举杯 饮尽了风雪
是谁打翻前世柜 惹尘埃是非
(quoted from the song 发如雪 by Jay Chow)

Wow...

I'm quite speechless. Wow. I can't believe what I did. Nonetheless, I feel A LOT more relieved now. Hah... Hopefully somebody dun get nightmare!~ Muahahahaha!!

乘着风 游荡在蓝天边
一片云掉落在我面前
捏成你的形状 随风跟着我
一口一口吃掉忧愁
(quoted from the song 星晴 by Jay Chow)

India President...


Was kinda forced by my brother to attend the dialogue session with the President of India, AP J Abdul Kalam, this morning. I had to skip my lab in the morning to make sure I got changed and got to SBS on time. The thought of me attending make up lab turns me off. Nonetheless, we reached there at 11a.m. We then sat inside the auditorium and waited for the President to arrive. We waited for quite long, so long that by 1p.m., he still didn't arrive. I was so bored that I was falling asleep. Damn. If I had known that he's going to take so long, I would have come later and I wouldn't have to skip my bloody lab. Had to go for stupid make up on next wed which is supposed to be my free day...urgh~


After what seemed like infinity, the India President finally arrived. Either it was my lack of sleep or that I didn't really understand what he was talking abt, I struggled to keep myself awake throughout the whole dialogue! After the dialogue ended, my bro, his frens and myself were supposed to have a quick lunch before moving over to the research lab. We had buffet style North Indian food for lunch, however, the food had turned cold, so it tasted bad. I really couldn't think of anything good that had happened at all...haha. We had to rush our lunch as we had to reach the lab before the Indian Pres. In the end, we were too late, thus we dun have to carry on accompaning the Pres anymore.

In conclusion, although it is a privilege to be given a chance to come so close to the President of India, I felt that I've wasted more time actually. I missed my lab in the morning, my computing lecture and tutorial, half of my lunch and my sleep!! However, I can't blame my brother for that lah, cause I know he didn't forsee that also.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart... (quoted from the song The scientist by Coldplay)