Treasure...

I've always told myself to treasure whatever I have now so that I wun regret if I lose them in the future. Bearing that in mind, I always take good care of whatever I have and is unwilling to relinquish possession of them. Recently I made the biggest decision of my life. I chose to let her go.

The one I loved most, the one whom I spent the most time on over the past 3 years, the one who loved me the most. I've put in so much time, effort and love on her, and yet I let her go. I must be crazy. I must be out of my mind. Almost 3 years of relationship accompanied by many many wonderful, touching and sad memories. There is never a nite I stopped thinking of her, even now. These 2 days, when something suddenly reminded me of her, I'll suddenly freeze and try to recollect the memory, afterwhich I'll feel sad by the thought. My heart feels weak, pain, squashed whenever I think abt the fact that we are no longer together. Whenever I read her blog and found out how sad she is; picked up her call and hear how sad she is, I feel a sense of guilt for making her feel alone and depressed. These sad thoughts made tears welled up in my eyes, made me regret my decision. If it is so painful, then why the hell do I still want to end it???

Anyone who knows me and her will notice something very distinctive. The difference in character. I'm laid back, she's driven; I'm quiet, she's outspoken; I'm calm, she's tempermental. There's a striking difference between the 2 of us. When we dun quarrel, we are very loving. However, when we quarrel, things becomes very different. At the beginning, I was very tolerant. I always tried to calm her down and reasoned with her so that she understand. I've always thought that these quarrels were beneficial to us as we would get to understand each other better and can improve ourselves. However, after so many quarrels, things din get any better. In fact, it got worse. I started to lose my patience, she started to think that my reasonings are crap. Tempers start to flare and things turn nasty. To the extent that I find it was almost impossible for us to communicate anymore. I started to become disillusioned and tired from these quarrels. In spite of all the compromises that we came up with, they din work at all. Sometimes, we do not even have an option or solution. Seriously, after the last quarrel, I asked myself if I can still tolerate this. Both of us are too stubborn and is unwilling to give in at times, resulting in too much hurt and pain on one another.

I really tried my best to make it work. I really did. I keep asking myself what went wrong. Is it me or is it her? Why has my tolerance for her decreased? Is it becos my love for her has decreased? I really dunno. I can't be sure if I wun hurt her again with my words the next time we quarrel again. It greatly saddens me after each quarrel when I thought abt the words that were used on her and me. It is really hurting. I'm not one who give up easily, but I really can't think of a better way for the both of us.

你是我胸口永远的痛
南方天空飘着北方的雪
热情冻结 冷冷风中
你是我胸口永远的痛 永远的痛
昨夜的梦
留给明天 明天
(quoted from the song 你是我胸口永远的痛 by 王杰/林忆莲)

I'm the asshole...

Great, now I'm labelled as the jerk who dumped her. Go on, tell the whole world how heartless I am. How impatient I am with this relationship, and how much I dun love u. If this is how u want to convince urself, go ahead. If hating me will make u happier, just carry on. Seriously, some things never change. I really thought we have reached a mutual understanding. And if u are so resentful to the idea, why dun u show it when I visit u yesterday? Have I not been tolerant enough, or have I been too tolerant, encouraging u to behave like what u always had? I know I haven't been a great bf, but at least I know I've never cause u to worry for me. Other than the mahjong that u loathe so much, have i done any vices that u dun like? Have I not been faithful towards u all these times, even when u are enjoying urself overseas? I'm constantly trying to think of new things to surprise u, to make u happy, not an easy thing to do, but I'm happy whenever I see the smile on ur face. Sometimes, all I ask for is a bit more understanding from u. All the times we say we'll change after each quarrel, but did we?? Whatever compromises that were thought of all gone down the drain. Even when I did what was proposed, it NEVER work. If u just want to assume that I'm happy now, so be it. I dun wish to argue with u anymore. I really thought that it might be better if we just seperate for a while. I thought this absence might make each other realise our love for one another and become stronger. I guess I'm wrong. I should have known that it wun work for u.

Dun bother returning me the puzzle pls. When I was making it, I was so excited. I really piece them up one by one with my heart, not my hands. I know u will be happy to see it and I really wanted u to be happy. It is really urs to keep.

If u really hate it so much.... throw it away.

为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷
争现实的翅膀扰乱原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错 我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦 渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
(quoted from the song 心动心痛 by 刘耕宏/许慧欣)

Pain...

Really pain. Damn pain. Fucking pain.

The one who stood by me, the one who cared for me, the one who loved me.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I hate myself. I'll never forgive myself.

It really really really really hurts.

坐在没有人的角落我又问自已
究竟应该继续还是该放弃
没有人能了解我现在的心情
想看你想躲你难以决定
(quoted from the song 靠近 by 李圣杰)