Things to do after the exams...

1. Train hard for HO
2. Spend more time with my grandparents
3. Go shopping
4. Watch movie
5. Design and decorate my new room
6. Brainstorm for ideas for OC
7. Carolling
8. Plan for hall Christmas party
9. Canvassing
10. Win the master league in winning eleven 9

When was the last time I went shopping? Can't remember. Got so many things on my list.
1. Handphone - Time to upgrade
2. A pair of shades - To match my 'cool' attitude.. haha
3. Sling bag - So I dun look too slack just carrying a file to lectures and tutorial
4. Clothes - Been wearing the same thing over and over again
5. CDs - Need to utilise the HMV voucher that I won from "hall idol"
6. Optical mouse - The one that I had in hall got problem
7. PS2 games - Time to buy new games to play
8. A pair of slippers - No more friction, can slide around
9. Soccer socks - Old one got holes, airy though
10. Clock - To put in my room to remind myself that time is ticking away, I shd stop slacking!!

Most importantly, I need a life.

The people here on life's beaches they wish upon the waves that hide the sand. Let them know that life teaches you to build a castle in the hand... (quoted from the song It's getting better by Oasis)

Run...

The silent night is as cool as usual, especially so after the heavy rain that persisted for hours, almost wreaking my plan. Still, I can't stand the heat. My body has been telling me to stop, despite of the protest of my head. My lungs are burning. The pain in my chest is excruciating. Every step is torture, every breath is choking. I haven't reach the end point, I can't let myself down. Thoughts of giving up keep surfacing on my mind, and I only barely succeeded in suppressing them with positive thoughts and self motivation. My will is beginning to waver. My fatigue level accelerates with the passage of time, making the journey seems never ending. The lactic acid in my legs engulfs my muscles, and the humidity in the air compounds to my displeasure. I should have been contented as I've traveled further than I usually do. My body is dehydrated, my vision is blurred. I feel like I'm dying of asphyxiation. I don't know how much longer I can endure. Perhaps the goal is too far reaching, my stamina just come up short. However, I shall carry on. Every extra step is a milestone, giving me extra credit when I look back. Funny to say, this is the same old road which I usually take, except for the change in magnitude, and yet this road never seems so lonely...

Forfeit the game before somebody else takes you out of the frame, and puts your name to shame. Cover up your face, you can't run the race. The pace is too fast, you just won't last... (quoted from the song Points of authority by Linkin Park)

Where have all the flowers gone...

Seems like I've toned down. I used to hate the 'B's, 'H's, 'P's, and 'F's a lot. Now, I'm having meals with them quite frequently. For a few times, I was the only freshie in the group. Where have the others gone? I feel out of place. I dun understand what are they talking about sometimes. Anyway, I dun really care. I'm jus contented eating my plate of food. Yesterday YB tried to start a conversation with me. He asked me why I didn't chase any gals in hall. That's interesting, cause I was talking to a fren earlier about the same topic also. Why do I have to go after someone from hall? Obviously we share different views. I really dun like the idea of seeing each other so often everyday. I dun want to be tied down, I want my own breathing room and yet have someone there for me to love. I dun want my every movement to be watched everytime, everyday. I dun need a study partner or a guardian, I need a soul mate. One who is there when I need support, and one who makes me feel happy. Is that too much to ask for? I'm actually easily contented.

Where have the others gone? I still remember the times I play escort for CL, Char, and Dine a few months back. Go lecture, go popular, go home, go canteen. Now that all 3 are attached, all have forgotten about me. I still haven claim my escort fees yet!$5 an hr!! Clem shd be with CL, WQ is always busy. Long time never talk to JJ and SG also. The clique has shrunk to just Aimee and SY, so few ppl. How boring. I prefer my roomie. He can entertain me better.

在童话很远的世界漂流
完美是个多奢侈的念头
终於搜集够多的伤口
才懂 八十分的幸福已足够
(quoted from the song 瘦瘦的 by 梁静茹)

Hope...

Hope is a very powerful tool. Unfortunate enough to be the last item trapped inside the Pandora box, one may imagine how much impact and influence it could have had on the people in ancient Greek mythology. It corrupts the strong and encourages the weak. It consumes the heart and illudes the mind. It throws you a thin line to hold on to, and yet it might just snap anytime, causing you to fall from your grace and suffer even more damage to your existing wounds. Doesn't it break your heart when what you hope for doesn't materalise? Don't you feel devastated when your high hopes all amount to nothing? A little hope can inspire and motivate a person. Overdose may prove to be toxic, fatal or even suicidal. How many ppl have fallen into this trap, intentionally or unintentionally? One should never pin too much hope on anything, instead I feel that ppl should be more prepared for the worst. It hurt less. Why hope for anything when you can't determine the outcome? And if you can change it, is there anymore need for hope? I give up on that a very long time ago when I realise that luck has forsaken me. I'll rather take the pain, than to let it escalate and become even more agonising. Will you now rather be hopeful or hopeless? Hope is dangerous. Handle it with care.

I just wanna live. Don't really care about the things that they say. Don't really care about what happens to me. I just wanna live. Just wanna live... (quoted from the song I just wanna live by Good Charlotte)

A letter to an old old fren...

I never like to break promises. But that time round, it was you who coerced me to do that. You already allowed him by your side, then why do you still ask for me? Is that your plot to keep me from drifting away? You actually dun have to lie to me. I've got ears to listen and eyes to see. You're the one who came up to me, but you never got to know me better. You're too indecisive and selfish. It's a pity you're not as pure as you claim to be. I'm sick of the way you try to gain sympathy. You should know that its your own fault. When you finally choose him, I was sad for a while. Not just for myself for allowing you to make a fool out of me, but also for you for your choice. I've warned you before, but you failed to heel my advice. All I can do is wish you all the best. There's really no point regreting about it now. You've made your choice. What could have been will never be, the feelings lost will never be recovered. Things wouldn't be the same as before. When I held your hands, I once thought that you'll be the one. In the end, you're not. Sad to say, I'm glad that you choose him instead. I'll remember the good times that we once had. Afterall, you did leave a mark on my heart.
Although this message is written for you, I dun think you'll get to read it. In fact, I hope you never get to read it.

Sew this up with threads of reason and regret. So I will not forget. I will not forget. How this felt one year six months ago. I know I cannot forget. I cannot forget... (quoted from the song One year, six months by Yellowcard)

Untitled...

Yes!! When was the last time I saw Newcastle won on TV?? I remembered that whenever Newcastle matches were shown, they always lose. However, they finally won. And what a big win it was. End to end action throughout the game. Although the defence is still very sloppy, I think they totally deserved the victory. Can't wait for the injured players to return. The team will be so much more exciting. I'm feeling the adrenaline rush now. Can't wait for HO training to start. You may think I'm crazy, but I like to feel shag. Tough training only makes a man stronger and better.

There's only 10 days before my first paper, I should already be pressing the panic button. I need to feel stress to push myself to work harder. My brain isn't functioning and I'm getting lethargic. The long jog that I had really did help me to think better. I certainly welcome the rush of blood to my head.

Talked to SL on the phone for around 2 hrs. It's been 4 months since I've talked to someone for so long. Never knew we'll have so much crap to talk about, haha. I felt much better after that. Thanks man, your status have upgrade to one of 'true frens' also.....haha! I realised that staying in hall actually distant myself away from my other frens. I really need to catch up with them soon. Think they are beginning to forget about me, shall go and refresh their memory soon after exams.. haha. Be afraid!

I want something else to get me through this semi charmed kind of life. I want something else, I'm not listening when you say good-bye... (quoted from the song Semi-charmed life by Third Eye Blind)

I'm tired...

My morale is low.
My faith is weak.
My mind is troubled.
My back still hurt.
Nothing is fine.
I'm really tired. Really.
Where is it when you need it most? I'm not that strong actually. Sometimes, things wouldn't always be there for you. You can't take things for granted.

琴声默默悠荡月光独自忧伤
眼泪悄悄落下盐分洗涤着伤
最后一枚笑容试图遮掩疼痛
等你别过头来被定格的脸孔反覆播送
(quoted from the song 最后一枚笑容 by 南拳妈妈)

Blur or acting blur...

I dun like to attract attention. I never know that so many ppl are reading my blog. More and more ppl are asking me who is the gal I'm referring to. Please stop questioning, I'm not telling. Perhaps she knows who she is. Either she's blur or she's acting blur. Anyway, it's not her fault, I haven't told her yet. How will she react if I tell her? What's going to happen to our friendship? How am I going to face her when I see her in future? Let's just say that I'm not ready to tell her yet. She may continue to act blur then.

I realised that I've replaced my friends with this blog. I'm telling my blog more things than I'm telling my friends. That's not very good isn't it? I think it's time I start using my handphone and utilise the free incoming call feature. Afterall, communicating with human is more interesting, they'll respond to you. My blog doesn't, it only listen. Sometimes I feel even more sad when I write too much, doesn't make me feel any better. Furthermore, I'm getting disgusted by the things that I'm writing, sound as though I'm desperate. Time for a change.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear. And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer... (quoted from the song Drive by Incubus)

Transparency...

People have been complaining to me that they dun understand what I'm writing about. So now I'm keeping it simple for the benefit of those who are viewing my blog, including that special one. I feel so naked by making myself so clear and openly declare that I like someone. Now I really got nothing much to hide. Most of my previous entries are related to her actually. Ever since I realised that I'm falling for her, this blog has become a place for me to express my feelings to her and other people, but mainly her. Erm... didn't know that I'll receive so many support from frens though.. thanks. Seems like all can't wait for me to get attached so that I wouldn't disturb them for lunch and other activities... hahaha.

Okok.. I know I'm supposed to be a lot more active and thick skin, take initiative and stuff. But I really dunno how to chase a gal. Even though I'm really interested. I'm so lost. This is even tougher than exams!! No tutorials and no lecture also. Now I'm starting to feel stressed. Urgh! I dunno how to show that I care for her. I dunno how to express myself when I see her. I feel stupid. The time that I have with her is always so short. But that's enough for me to get addicted to her. I'm so addicted. I need some self control. I'm so distracted. Man, I can't wait for exams to be over.

I'll sing a song that only you can hear.
I'll paint a picture of only you and me.
I'll make something with my hands specially for you.
I'll think about you everyday when I wake up and every night before I sleep.
I'll be by your side whenever you need me.
I'll give you whatever you want and go the distance for you.
I'll be your guardian angel.
I'll take good care of you...

我们都一样只属于对方 我的手掌只留着你的温暖
你温柔眼光我独自欣赏 好与坏我们都一起分享
我们轻轻的在夜里歌唱 却不知怎了 有一种小期盼
我眼睛慢慢闭上 你随着风一起吹过 我的脸庞
(quoted from the song 好夜晚Good Night by 梁静茹)

Confused state...

A gal's mind is so complicated. I can never understand what she's thinking of. Oh no... I'm losing my confidence. Will she choose him over me?? And I dun feel that she likes me afterall. Urgh, I need some assurance. Nonetheless, as always, I meant what I said, and I'll definitely deliver what I promised.

I used to think I'm cold blooded, too numb to feel, that no gal really caught my eye. Sometimes I even wonder if I'm gay or I'm just a narcissist. I simply like myself more than anyone else. I really like myself for the things that I can do that others can't. I'm just weird. However, I realised that my life starts to change when I get to know her. I'm starting to do things that she requested for, things that she likes. OMG... I'm losing myself! Why am I listening to her?? I've no idea why I'm attracted to her also. However, she does rekindle my fire, makes me feel. She makes me realise that I do want to have someone to love, a gal whom I can call my own.
Not anyone else, I just want her.

My back still hurts. Seems like something is wrong with my spine. Damn. Hopefully I can recover before Hall Olympiads starts.

Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning an eternal flame... (quoted from the song Eternal flame by Bangles)

What's next...

Oh well, even though i said that I'm going to take action, apparently I dun think I'll do anything drastic yet. Perhaps now is not the time, since exams is just around the corner. But I've set my mind to it. I think the best is to let nature take its course. I dun like to drag, but I dun like to rush also. I do feel a lot better after clearing some stuff out though. Somethings have been causing me headache, I'm glad I've sorted it out.

When you are tired, I'll lend you my shoulder for you to rest on.
When you are unhappy, I'll lend you my ears to pour out all your woes.
When you are sad, I'll make you smile.
When you are busy, I'll give you the time and space you need.
You dun have to say a word. I'll be happy with you by my side.

And I wanna be inside your heaven, take me to the place you cry from, where the storm blows you away. I wanna be the one to hold you... (quoted from the song Inside your heaven by Bo Bice)

Mixed feelings...

I'm confused.
I dunno why am I so indecisive when it comes to relationship. Never have I felt so confused before in my life. Nonetheless, I've decided. I can't be contented to just sit here watching. You make me want to come out from my shell and take that extra step that i never thought I'll take. I'm going to take action. Although I'm not sure if you are the right one, I dun care. I always believe that 2 person should only get together if the feeling is mutual. I hope you feel the same too.
You can make me very happy.

What Can I Do 我的爱 碰到你坏不起来
What Can I Do 你的人 像泡面无所不在
What Can I Do 装可爱 还是要说个明白
What Can I Do 我爱你 可不可以你也很巧的爱上我
(quoted from the song What can I do by 南拳妈妈)

A light in the dark...

The sky was grey, and the wind was strong.
A thunderstorm looked inevitable.
A little boy was lost.
The place looked foreign, and he lost track of the firefly that brought him here.
There was no sign and no one in sight. His curiosity had brought him into trouble.
Tick tock, tick tock...
Time was ticking away and rain was falling.
The little boy had to find a shelter quick.
After surveying the area for a while, he went to hide under an old broken bridge. That was the best he could find.
He clamped his hands and said a little prayer, hoping to receive some help from somewhere soon.
However, his prayers were unanswered as the rain only got heavier.
His clothes were soaking wet. The bridge wasn't able to provide him with adequate shelter.
Time past slowly and minutes felt like hours.
The cold wind had sapped away his warmth, draining every bit of energy from his small shivering body.
The little boy felt weak and he thought he was going to lose consciousness.
It seemed like the cold, cruel world was about to forsake him.
Or maybe not...
The little boy saw a figure approaching from a distance.
He wasn't sure if his eyes were playing tricks on him.
As the figure advanced closer, he began to make out what it was, from the minimum light that was available.
That was a little girl holding an umbrella.
She smiled at him and stretched out her hand to him.
At that moment, the little boy thought he saw an angel.
He freezed immediately. He wasn't sure, and he couldn't hide his excitement.
He held her hands and got up to his feet.
Her smile breathed life to him and her touch warmth his heart. If only this moment could last forever.
He didn't know what was installed for him. However, he would gladly go where that angel would bring him...
To a place call heaven.

'Cause she's so high, high above me, she's so lovely. She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite. She's so high, high above me... (quoted from the song She's so high by Tal Bachman)

Living a dream...

Went to watch GOAL! yesterday at JP alone. Yes, alone. I dun see why I can't watch that alone, anyway, no one was free or was interested in watching that movie. Supposed to have a CG KTV outing yesterday, but i was more keen in the movie. Anyway, I heard today that the response for the KTV session was quite poor, lucky I made the right choice. I must say the movie was better than expected. I wanted to watch the movie because it featured Newcastle and that is my favourite team! The storyline was not bad, but the matches were a bit dramatic, a bit too 'fairy tale', haha. Basically, the moral of the story is: dare to dream, your fate is not determined by others, you can control your own destiny. Hmm.... I'm still dreaming.

Yesterday was Hussein's birthday and today is my best pal, Xianda's birthday. Just wanna wish you 2 a very happy 22nd birthday! May all your dreams come true!~

Sweet dreams are made of this, who am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas, everybody's looking for something... (quoted from the song Sweet dreams by Eurythmics)

Living in my own world...

Sometimes I wonder why I blog. I had wanted to have a place to express my gratitude towards certain ppl, condemn certain ppl, vent my frustrations and express my feelings. However, I realised that I can't really do all those here, especially the last point. There are things that I wanted to say, but I can't let her know. What to do? I have to write in such a way that she doesn't know who I'm writing it for. In fact, I think ppl dun even know what I'm writing about. No one really understand how I'm feeling. No one. Seems like I'm living in my own world. Or maybe she does understand what I'm writing? I dunno.

Yesterday was the last time our group had to do a presentation during marketing tutorial. I didn't prepare a card or paper to get ready what to say, unlike all my other group mates. Luckily, I managed to smoke my way through. Even though our group appeared to be the slackest, I really think that we did fine. All of us did our part, I can't ask for more. In fact, I hoped you guys dun mind my small warm room when doing reports and presentations slides. All I can provide is some music, sweets and biscuits. Please pardon me for being stubborn and lazy at times. I'll remember the days that you guys came over. I will.

And yah... one more thing. Thank you Soon Lee for letting me drive your car on Sunday evening. You allowed me to justify the almost 2K spent in SSDC... haha.That was the first time I drove other ppl's car and at night. I was really worried that I'll scratch your car. Thanks for trusting me. I appreciate that. Really.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you... (quoted from the song Welcome to my life by Simple Plan)

Scar tissue...

Like a bullet piercing through my skin, and penetrating my body,
Leaving an unremovable scar that stain and violate my purity.
This time round the wound is deep.
The tissues around the heart are beyond repair.
The damage has been done and there is no cure, only time will heal.
I can't help but feel suffocated. Is it asking for too much?
The pain is unbearable, but I'll live through it, like I always did.
Nonetheless, it still hurts and I feel sick.
It is amazing how much pleasure and pain a person can actually bring.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea, swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis. But that's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me... (quoted from the song Mr Brightside by The Killers)

Passion...

Ppl have been asking me this question, someone asked me again recently. Ok, although I do think that i shd have join that one, I certainly do not regret joining this one. I had a fun time here too and I had made many frens. I do not not what I had missed over there, but I do know what I would miss if I haven't joined this. If I haven't had joined this, I may not even have known you. It certainly is nice knowing you (even though you may make my life living hell..haha).

As for why i join so many other things, well, I want my life in uni to be a lot more fun, meet more frens, learn more things. And maybe like what my frens in hall said: PASSION!! Hahaha.

Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice, standing on the ledge, show the wind how to fly. When the world gets in my face, I say, Have A Nice Day... (quoted from the song Have a nice day by Bon Jovi)

Neverland...

There is a place called Neverland,
A beautiful place that never rains.
Far far away from the city walls,
A secret place that is concealed to all.
Miles away from the melancholy town,
Savor what's left of this ephemerous life.
Where the birds will sing you melodies,
While we relax and enjoy the breeze.
Where the field is so lush and green,
Like nowhere else you've ever been.
The stars will come when you reach for them,
Lifting you up to the sky above.
The sun wouldn't raise till you've slept enough,
You can have sweet dreams all night long.
With no boundaries and regulations,
You can use your wildest imagination!
But this place is still far from perfect,
As it still lacks the final jigsaw.
So come, give me your hand and take my invitation...
Will you take a walk with me?

But you and me, all we want to be is lazy. You and me, so lazy... (quoted from the song Lazy by Suede)

So relaxing...

Seems like everyone has moved on, found something to do, or found a goal or target. Everyone is focused on what they are doing or what they should be doing. At first I know what I wanted. However, as time passes, I became disillusioned and disoriented. I dunno what I'm looking for exactly. It sems like I've forgotten how to be a student. I'm doing everything except studying. Still can't get my act together. What am I thinking about actually??

I used to think that it is very normal for me. I know I'm always very relaxed and laid back. My stress tolerance is always very high. I wouldn't panic even if exams is just 1 or 2 days away. However, things has got to change!! That is not right. Perhaps I'm too bothered by other stuff.

Oh well, life goes on...

When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse... (quoted from the song Fix you by Coldplay)

Glad that it is over...

Phew~
Finally 'Senses' is over, no more choir practices, hooray!! Dun have to squeeze my balls to reach the freaking high notes anymore. Once again, need to thank the audience for clapping their hands when the performance ended. In our hearts, we all know that it was quite bad. At least we are happy that our hard work (long hours of screeching our voice, squeezing our balls) are being appreciated by them.

Need to thank Li Ying also for enduring and training us throughout the practices. Some of our attitude, including me, was quite bad. And some of us are new to choir also, so need more guildance. Thank you for having faith in me and put me as the section leader for tenors also, even though i dunno why you choose me. Hope i dun disappoint you.

There are a few names whom i want to mention also. Jeremiah is dependable, but i think you are a bit too serious sometimes...haha, relax! Felix and Ming Xu are great, they made the practices less dull and boring with their crap and jokes. Guess I'll enjoy working with you guys again during carolling.

Closing time, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... (quoted from the song Closing time by Semisonic)

What is the probability?

I think the probability should be very low.
Well, at least I still stand a chance as long as I dun give up.
Can I still take it?
It is totally against my principle.
I'm becoming what i hated most.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm living for the only thing i know, I'm running and not quite sure where to go, and I don't know what I'm diving into, just hanging by a moment here with you... (quoted from the song Hanging by a moment by Lifehouse)

Guitar lesson #1...

Spent my Sunday morning playing with my brother's guitar. Had wanted to ask him to teach me how to play, only to find out that he just quitted (after joining for 6 months), and he is a lousy coach. Not too bad for a beginner I guess, managed to find and play the tunes of 'Twinkle twinkle little stars' and 'Happy birthday' by myself in 1 hr!! I totally can't read the scores for nuts. I'm just relying on my memory.

Next, I decided to try and play 'More than words'. It was a lot harder than the previous 2 songs. After 1 hr of trying, I only managed to play the prelude of the song. My fingers simply wun listen to me, kept playing the wrong note. Damn.

I shall carry on with my practice next weekend. Hopefully I can play and sing that song for someone one day... Oh, btw, happy belated Children's Day!~

Twinkle twinkle little stars, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky... (quoted from the nursery rhyme, Twinkle twinkle little stars)