Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolate

2010-05-04T02:45:00.002+08:00

Undying...

I'm feeling terrible. There is obviously something missing, it feels wrong. I can't tell whether it is the mind, the heart or the soul. There is this feeling of emptiness which I am unable to fill no matter what I do. And as it seems, what I believe is right. If I dun make any move, nothing is going to change. What does it shows? Maybe it has been proven that my absence has been replaced. It hurts knowing how replaceable I am. Now, all I have is a few pieces of memory which reminds me of whatever good times I once had. Once the smile fades, the pain slowly creeps in. Sometimes so strong that I wish I could just destroy the memory all together. I am torn. Everything is so sudden. Far beyond my imagination. Is it just a nightmare? I can't seem to be able to wake up. Sometimes, I still wake up hoping that it was all a dream and that she is still beside me. I really miss her. Although there are times where we dun agree over certain issues, resulting in us quarrelling, I still love her as much as ever. No matter how bitter and how tough it is, I still hold on to that little bit of sweetness that bind us together in the first place. It is an undying love, a love that will never break. Sadly, it only works one way.

All you've ever wanted, was someone to truly look up to you. And six feet under water, I do... (quoted from the song The little things give you away by Linkin Park)

2010-04-15T05:29:00.002+08:00

Pesticide...

I've rid the world of 1 pest. That should be considered a good deed. While I am trying my best to be a guardian watching over her, I realised that I'm nothing more than a pest. The worse thing about people who are irritating is that they have no idea how annoying they actually are to the others. I'm just glad that I figured it out sooner rather than later. Stop making a fool of myself. In fact, what do I hope to achieve by doing so? Nothing is gonna happen. WAKE UP!! Stop dreaming and hoping! She no longer love me since the day we broke. We are just friends. Friends. This word hurts. The first part to letting go is to acknowledge and face the truth. I've learnt to accept that whatever that is been said in the past is just gonna be a distant memory, nothing more than a broken promise. Live with it, and move on. Now come the hardest part: letting go. I simply could not live with the idea of being just friends. My heart refuse to accept this new form of relationship. NO!! It's killing me, poisoning me, feeding me with futile hopes, causing me to wake up each day with continuing pain and misery. My body is weakening, my mind is corrupted, my soul is broken. No one realises the changes in me most except for myself. I can't focus and my attention span is super low these days. My temper is getting from bad to worse. Nowadays I'm deriving joy from irritating customers when I'm working. I might need anger management, my Dad obviously being one of the first victims and expressed his displeasure towards my recent behaviour. I used to be a very patient and sensitive man, and now I've lost them too. I always felt that something is missing, but I can't quite figure out what it is. Maybe I need a goal or something. I dun really like the new me, however, is there really a need for me to change? Perhaps I've more suited for this kind of style. Who gives a shit anyways??

Hmmm...

What if I say I'm not like the others? What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays? You're the pretender. What if I say I will never surrender? (quoted from the song The pretender by Foo Fighters)

2010-04-14T06:52:00.004+08:00

Reflections...

It's been so long since she called me Dera, Bubu, Babu, Babulious, Bu-ning, Bu-ster etc etc etc. I miss all these names, even though they sounded retarded. I still miss her every single day. I'll think of her everyday when I wake, before I sleep, before I start work, before I go out with friends, and between breaks. I feel sad whenever I think of her, whenever I thought of what happened between us. Sometimes, I'm in such pain that I dun feel like going to school or work. My life has been empty since. Nothing has changed much since the break. The only solace I get is from Newcastle winning the Championship. I have nothing to look forward to anymore, now that they have done it. Despite whatever I've done, it seems like I haven been doing enough. What should I be doing? Once upon a time, she'll be so happy to meet me whenever I'm free. Those days are over. She doesn't even sounded happy to hear from me anymore. I wonder if she still cares about me. While she's coping well on her own and sharing with me all her joys and woes, it seems like I'm been forgotten. Or maybe I should. I'm sure her circle of friends has increased ever since the break. I dunno why, but I really got the feeling that I'm not needed anymore, that it's really over. Why am I trying so hard to still be part of her life? Why do I get jealous over frivolous stuff? Why can't I just get over it? Why hasn't anything changed? Why am I in such a mess? I'm holding on tight, but the sands are slipping off my hands. I dun have control. It's good that my parents no longer ask me abt her, lessen my misery. I guess it is just me now, a prisoner of my own memory.

She killed me.

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛
我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火最长的相拥
(quoted from the song 我怀念的 by 孙燕姿)

2010-04-03T09:12:00.002+08:00

Good Friday...

Finally a Good Friday after so many black Fridays. =)
I really miss her so much. It was really sad when we parted. Anyway, Clash of the Titans is over-rated.

I love u.

为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争
现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
(quoted from the song 心动心痛 by 许慧欣&刘耕宏)

2010-03-26T05:25:00.002+08:00

3 X 2 = 6...

Happy anniversary to me,
Happy anniversary to me,
Happy anniversary to me,
Happy anniversary to me~

不能握的手从此匿名的朋友
其实我的执着依然执着
与你无关泪自行吸收
不能握的手却比亲人更亲厚
当所有如果都没有如果
只有失去的温柔最温柔
(quoted from the song 匿名的好友 by 杨丞琳)

2010-03-23T23:55:00.006+08:00

Dead old me...

It's been 1 month since. I'm still not used to life without her. Tried many things, but only compound to my sorrow. I'll like to think that she still loves me, but that's not the case. I've never been a fan of alcohol, and I seriously dun enjoy the taste of it. It doesn't help that after many shots, I'm still feeling sober. Do you really feel high after drowning urself with alcohol? I'm only feeling warm and sleepy, -__- pretty pointless for me. Waste of alcohol, waste of time, waste of money. Maybe I just need a new goal and start living my own life. Everything is too empty. I should start clearing all my stuff too. Too much reminders hanging around, not helping. I've been living in denial. Still believing that I'm attached. Time to wake up and start embracing singlehood. Freedom is welcoming me, tempting me with the opportunity to do anything, without feeling responsible to anyone anymore.

I do wish I can crawl out from my shell though, everyday has been a struggle. The pain still doesn't go away. The deeper the love, so is the cut. Pierced right through the heart. My Dera is gone, leaving the tree burning into ash.

我想維持禮貌忘記驕傲　
繼續做你唯一的城堡　
習慣就好　習慣就好　
是我選擇看不到分手預兆　
沒有一絲睡意的困擾無法治療　
習慣就好　習慣就好　
我承認我的偽裝是真的不夠好　
請給我多一秒
(quoted from the song 習慣就好 by 羅志祥)

2010-03-20T13:58:00.004+08:00

Rain...

It's been raining non-stop. The cool weather simply makes me even colder. Times like these, you'll wish that there's someone there to hug and cuddle together. Great weather to sleep too. Makes me feel like lying on my bed forever, doing nothing, just let my mind wander off. It's pathetic though it's always the same images that's flashing through my mind, forcing me to be more emotional. Work and school have been a great way to keep my mind occupied, but like what my doctor said, I think I need to loosen up a bit. Perhaps I should take a break from work. Go on a few trips, grab a few drinks, sing a few songs, play a few games, make some new friends, do some crazy things. My system is haywire. I'm tired of wearing a mask and putting on a strong front for everyone to see. I'm breaking down.

窗外的天氣就像是
你多變的表情
下雨了雨陪我哭泣
看不清我也不想看清
離開你我安静的抽離
不忍揭晓的劇情
我的淚流在心里學會放棄
聽雨的聲音一滴滴清晰
你的呼吸像雨滴渗入我的愛裡
真希望雨能下不停
讓想念繼續讓愛變透明
我愛上給我勇氣的 Rainie Love
窗外的雨滴一滴滴累積
屋内的濕氣像儲存愛你的記憶
真希望雨能下不停
雨愛的秘密能一直延續　
我相信我將會看到彩虹的美麗
冷冷的空氣很窒息
我無法呼吸一萬顆雨滴的距離
很徹底讓愛消失無息
(quoted from the song 雨愛 by 楊丞琳)

2010-03-14T15:24:00.002+08:00

Comfort...

The doctor says my heart is beating too fast, faster than a normal heart rate should be. Yet I can't feel my heart at all. I thought I'm dead, but the pain and tears made me feel that I'm still very much alive. I need comfort. I need help. Whatever you have been doing, it's working, keep it going. Once it is crushed, and all my hopes are gone, everything will be over. For you and for me. More ruthlessness. I understand that that is not ur intention, really. Time is supposed to heal, but it's funny how I ended up feeling more pain with each passing day. Perhaps once it has reached a maximum point, it will start to get better. I wonder when will that be.

教我怎么能不难过
你劝我灭了心中的火
我还能够怎么说怎么说都是错
(quoted from the song 爱要怎么说出口 by 赵传)

2010-03-13T15:06:00.002+08:00

Drug...

You know it is hurting you, and yet you can't live without it. It just devour you bit by bit, slowly. You keep telling yourself to let it go, yet you can't help but become a slave to it. As much as you know how unbearable and miserable you are going to feel after that, the ecstacy you feel when you are consuming it is beyond what you can imagine. The body and mind are both corrupted. The last breathe is never the last.

Till the day you die.

Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song... (quoted from the song Killing me softly by The Fugees)

2010-03-09T07:06:00.004+08:00

Sad Song...

I really like this song, 앵무새(Parrot) by 하울(HowL).

2010-03-02T06:44:00.003+08:00

Life After The Break...

I'm having a terrible time on my own. I really have no one to talk to. Perhaps it is time I tell someone instead of letting it boil inside me. Time passes slowly, especially at night. The silence of the night is deafening. Radio doesn't help. The love songs that is being played only serve to remind me of all the past memories. I'm sick. I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown soon. I'm mentally, emotionally and physically disturbed. I'm depressed. I can't sleep every night. And if I did and awaken, I'll wish that I've woken up from my nightmare and that all that happened is just a dream. However, the truth and reality hurts. I miss holding her hands, I miss her kiss, I miss her hugs, I miss her calling and msg-ing me, telling me how much she loves me, I miss her smile, I miss her care and concern, I miss her everything. Everything. So much. Those days are gone... no more. How much heartache can a man take? Will the pain ever go away?

I really hate myself for being a nuisance. I'm sorry, I dun mean to. I'm really trying my best not to disturb her or irritate her. I wonder how has life been for her. Has her life got better without me? She seems to be coping very well though. I'm happy for her, but sad for myself.

I'm surplus.

那片山谷入口处清楚刻着伤心人的墓
那片浓雾隔绝了其实可以忘了爱的省悟
别哭那片乐土是不是至少能让眼泪都停住
祝福什么都不再记住
祝福下一次总会幸福
祝福爱情的信徒那善男信女别太辛苦
(quoted from the song 善男信女 by 萧敬腾)

2010-02-28T05:26:00.002+08:00

Handle With Care...

It seems like an eternity since I've felt so happy. I was so excited about meeting her the day before that I was unable to sleep (not like I have been able to sleep anyway...). My weariness disappear after I saw her. =) Wahaha!! Words can't describe my delight upon finally seeing her. I believe we talked for more than we have ever did for the past 2 weeks (even though we din really talk much...). She's so irresistable and I really have a hard time restraining myself from touching her (OK, I'm not trying hard enough...) Nonetheless, I dun want to spoil it. I have to make sure I dun do the wrong things, or say the wrong words to make her sad or angry. Everything is so.... fragile. I'm really hope I wun screw anything up again.

I found my heartbeat again.

Well, all I really want to do is love you, a kind much closer than friends use, but I still can't say it after all we've been through. And all I really want from you is to feel me, as the feeling inside keeps building, and I'll find a way to you if it kills me, if it kills me... (quoted from the song If it kills me by Jason Mraz)

2010-02-25T20:38:00.002+08:00

Memory...

The past week days, I've been tormented by the memories between her and me. The pain I'm feeling now is much stronger than last year. Probably becos this time round, I'm left with no escape route. However, I'll still be strong. I still remember clearly the 2 most important things that she had ever said to me.

"Dun worry, I'll never leave u..."
"I really love u, u know?..."

These words have always comforted me, and now, they are my strength to keep me going. I really miss her. I miss her like crazy. I still send her msges everyday, even though she never reply me. I'm guessing that she's feeling very miserable too, so I try to keep them simple and short. I wanted to call her, but I dunno what to say to her. Actually, I'm not trying to give her a morning call these few days. She had never needed any of these. I just wanted to hear her voice. I haven been able to sleep well all these nights. I always waited till 7 plus in the morning to call her so that I wun disturb her from her sleep. When we first got together in Uni, I remember I once said to her that she'll be the last person to see and hear before she sleeps, and the first person to see and hear when she's awake. I wonder if she still remembers... It is funny that all these memories start flooding my mind at this time.

We used to be each other's best friend, support, soul mate. Whenever any one of us are feeling down, we always have each other. I'm so not used to being alone now. I used to comfort her on so many occasion, telling her to get stronger. I guess I'm the one who's weak now.

夜深了我怎麽办
寂寞了谁在身旁
心情变得好复杂
想她念她恨她
一个人你害怕吗
细数过满天星光
说好永远不分开
多假多假多假
(quoted from the song 寂寞好了 by 蔡旻佑)

2010-02-21T11:15:00.003+08:00

Forgot...

It is funny how I can forget to do something even though I've been told. Just yesterday, I forgot to inform my trainee of something very grave 5 mins after I've be warned by my supervisor, almost causing her her job. But that is not the end. I just basically screwed myself a week ago by not bringing any gifts to my Dera's house during CNY. The consequences: I'm branded insincere; trying to challenge the authorities; lost their trust; losing my Dera. All becos of my forgetfulness. Well done. Fair enough, I should have no complains. I failed to see the seriousness of the situations, a slip of mind is never a gd enough excuse for that. What bothers me most is not the displeasure towards me by her parents, for I know they have always thought I wasn't gd enough for their daughter. It is the manner that they treat the incident. Purposely scrutinising me, condeming me, looking down on me in front of their friends and relatives and Dera. All these are too much for her to take. She lost all her face and is furious at me for my mistake. No amount of apologies is able to express my sorry towards her. Even when I tried to make amends, it was deemed unacceptable, too late. Once again, what can i say?? I've never been able to make her proud of whatever I do. Her parents cannot comprehend what she sees in me. I've just given them yet another reason to hate me. Now, I can no longer face her parents and her relatives anymore. I really dunno what to do. I can't blame Dera for giving me up. I know she's under tremendous stress and pressure from her family side, especially her parents. I really shdn't make life difficult for her anymore.

I've been feeling miserable for the past few days. Very miserable. I'm not used to the new changes. It feels weird. I felt like I'm all alone, neglected. for the past 3 years, almost 4, she has never ignore me like this. Even when I was in great pain and sorrow, trying to seek comfort in her, I can't find any. She wun even wan to reply me at all. A complete change from 2 weeks back. The smile on her face faded, her attitude changed, her love towards me vanquished. My Dera is gone. It is sad, very sad. after all the things I've done for her. I know I haven been the best bf, I failed to give her the security and stability that she has been wanting all along. Despite all these, I'm willingly to give her all of my everything, even at the expense of me starving or tired. She used to tell me that she love me becos I can always put a smile on her face... but I can't do that anymore. The pressure that she's dealing with now is too great to accomodate my flaws. Everything has changed. My existence is no longer required. I really hate losing her in this manner, I really do. I hate myself for my absent-mindedness, but it is all too late for salvage now isn't it? My life has ended.

I love u Dera. It has to happen now, just 1 month before our 4 years anniversary. I believe I haven tell u enough how much u mean to me. You were my everything, the only reason for me to live. Everything I was doing before is geared towards a better life for u and me, now they all seem pointless now. Dera. I love you. Always.

Now I can't sing a love song, like the way it's meant to be. Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore, but baby that's just me. And I will love you baby - always. And I'll be there forever and a day - always. I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme, and I know when I die, you'll be on my mind, and I love you - always... (quoted from the song Always by Bon Jovi)

2010-02-19T04:52:00.004+08:00

Cry...

It's been so long, that I've almost fogotten how it feels like.
A stab to the heart, my hamster died on the 16th Feb.
Another stab to the heart, my greatest fear surfaced.
The ironic thing is I'm supposed to be happy becos it's CNY.
Not exactly the best of times.
It hurts... it really hurts.
But it wasn't blood that was flowing down.
Hello friend, I'm back.

你的掌心你的温柔
点燃了我点燃了寂寞
别管我松开手心有多痛
只要你幸福迎风
我愿意沈默
我愿放开双手给你自由给你梦
给你宽阔天空飞翔放纵
你说爱他灵魂为他牺牲是认真
你是他的风筝
该由他来心疼
别管沈默的我孤独的我怎麽过
你要珍重自己好好生活
我愿美丽风筝快乐天真去遨翔
就算我一个人孤独荒凉
(quoted from the song 他的风筝 by 萧煌奇)

2009-02-27T15:24:00.002+08:00

Down down down...

1. Never offend a woman.
2. It doesn't matter how long u know a person, what matters is how well u know the person.
3. One should never rely too much on his friends.
4. Never lose ur focus.
5. Apology is worthless, can't solve anything.
6. Real friends wun talk behind ur back.
7. True friends will understand and be more considerate when u are having a rough time.
8. Never do things on impulse.
9. Learn to forgive and forget, life will be easier.
10. Ppl changes all the time, some dun even know that they did.

Put a smile on ur face. Dun worry, be happy. =)

Everytime that I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clearer. The past is gone. It went by like dust to dawn. Isn't that the way, everybody's got their dues in life to pay... (quoted from the song Dream on by Aerosmith)

2009-01-26T06:30:00.005+08:00

Treasure...

I've always told myself to treasure whatever I have now so that I wun regret if I lose them in the future. Bearing that in mind, I always take good care of whatever I have and is unwilling to relinquish possession of them. Recently I made the biggest decision of my life. I chose to let her go.

The one I loved most, the one whom I spent the most time on over the past 3 years, the one who loved me the most. I've put in so much time, effort and love on her, and yet I let her go. I must be crazy. I must be out of my mind. Almost 3 years of relationship accompanied by many many wonderful, touching and sad memories. There is never a nite I stopped thinking of her, even now. These 2 days, when something suddenly reminded me of her, I'll suddenly freeze and try to recollect the memory, afterwhich I'll feel sad by the thought. My heart feels weak, pain, squashed whenever I think abt the fact that we are no longer together. Whenever I read her blog and found out how sad she is; picked up her call and hear how sad she is, I feel a sense of guilt for making her feel alone and depressed. These sad thoughts made tears welled up in my eyes, made me regret my decision. If it is so painful, then why the hell do I still want to end it???

Anyone who knows me and her will notice something very distinctive. The difference in character. I'm laid back, she's driven; I'm quiet, she's outspoken; I'm calm, she's tempermental. There's a striking difference between the 2 of us. When we dun quarrel, we are very loving. However, when we quarrel, things becomes very different. At the beginning, I was very tolerant. I always tried to calm her down and reasoned with her so that she understand. I've always thought that these quarrels were beneficial to us as we would get to understand each other better and can improve ourselves. However, after so many quarrels, things din get any better. In fact, it got worse. I started to lose my patience, she started to think that my reasonings are crap. Tempers start to flare and things turn nasty. To the extent that I find it was almost impossible for us to communicate anymore. I started to become disillusioned and tired from these quarrels. In spite of all the compromises that we came up with, they din work at all. Sometimes, we do not even have an option or solution. Seriously, after the last quarrel, I asked myself if I can still tolerate this. Both of us are too stubborn and is unwilling to give in at times, resulting in too much hurt and pain on one another.

I really tried my best to make it work. I really did. I keep asking myself what went wrong. Is it me or is it her? Why has my tolerance for her decreased? Is it becos my love for her has decreased? I really dunno. I can't be sure if I wun hurt her again with my words the next time we quarrel again. It greatly saddens me after each quarrel when I thought abt the words that were used on her and me. It is really hurting. I'm not one who give up easily, but I really can't think of a better way for the both of us.

你是我胸口永远的痛
南方天空飘着北方的雪
热情冻结冷冷风中
你是我胸口永远的痛永远的痛
昨夜的梦
留给明天明天
(quoted from the song 你是我胸口永远的痛 by 王杰/林忆莲)

2009-01-24T14:18:00.004+08:00

I'm the asshole...

Great, now I'm labelled as the jerk who dumped her. Go on, tell the whole world how heartless I am. How impatient I am with this relationship, and how much I dun love u. If this is how u want to convince urself, go ahead. If hating me will make u happier, just carry on. Seriously, some things never change. I really thought we have reached a mutual understanding. And if u are so resentful to the idea, why dun u show it when I visit u yesterday? Have I not been tolerant enough, or have I been too tolerant, encouraging u to behave like what u always had? I know I haven't been a great bf, but at least I know I've never cause u to worry for me. Other than the mahjong that u loathe so much, have i done any vices that u dun like? Have I not been faithful towards u all these times, even when u are enjoying urself overseas? I'm constantly trying to think of new things to surprise u, to make u happy, not an easy thing to do, but I'm happy whenever I see the smile on ur face. Sometimes, all I ask for is a bit more understanding from u. All the times we say we'll change after each quarrel, but did we?? Whatever compromises that were thought of all gone down the drain. Even when I did what was proposed, it NEVER work. If u just want to assume that I'm happy now, so be it. I dun wish to argue with u anymore. I really thought that it might be better if we just seperate for a while. I thought this absence might make each other realise our love for one another and become stronger. I guess I'm wrong. I should have known that it wun work for u.

Dun bother returning me the puzzle pls. When I was making it, I was so excited. I really piece them up one by one with my heart, not my hands. I know u will be happy to see it and I really wanted u to be happy. It is really urs to keep.

If u really hate it so much.... throw it away.

为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷
争现实的翅膀扰乱原本幸福的气氛
我有我的过错我有我的疑惑
藏在面对面的折磨背后
为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
(quoted from the song 心动心痛 by 刘耕宏/许慧欣)

2009-01-23T05:01:00.003+08:00

Pain...

Really pain. Damn pain. Fucking pain.

The one who stood by me, the one who cared for me, the one who loved me.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I hate myself. I'll never forgive myself.

It really really really really hurts.

坐在没有人的角落我又问自已
究竟应该继续还是该放弃
没有人能了解我现在的心情
想看你想躲你难以决定
(quoted from the song 靠近 by 李圣杰)

2008-12-05T18:44:00.004+08:00

Heart...

What happened?

I've said it so many times.

Is it me?

But I'm trying.

Is it you?

Have you learnt?

I wonder.

All my life Ive been searching for something, something never comes, never leads to nothing, nothing satisfies, but Im getting close, closer to the prize at the end of the rope... (quoted from the song All my life by Foo Fighters)

2008-11-24T18:54:00.002+08:00

Vincent...

Usually I dun read the msn nick of my contacts, however, one particular nick managed to catch my eye. Tim's nick wrote: "God has unfailing love... I will place my eyes on the Solid Rock... Vincent (always remembered)". I din pay attention to the first part, becos I'm not a Christian. It was the last part that bothered me. I initial a contact with Tim, and eventually I got to know about Vincent...

He passed away yesterday.

Vincent has been a good fren, a superb class rep and a wonderful person. I'm greatly saddened by his departure. I've always remember him as a sociable and cheerful person in class. He was the first to make frens with me in the new class. He has such energy in him that all of us voted for him to be the class rep. Even though it was a short time, I still remember us copying homework together, eating together, laughing at lame jokes together. I still remembered him talking about playing beach volleyball one day in Sentosa... but unfortunately, that day never come.

It saddens me that he had cancer at such an early age, it saddens me that he can no longer fulfil his ambitions, it saddens me that all his battles were in vain, and it saddens me that he has to go at such a young age, 24. Even after diagnosed with cancer, he's still determined to complete his studies. However, due to his conditions, he sometimes had to suspend 1 or 2 semester. The last time I saw him, he looked more ragged, the last time I talked to him, he told me he suffered a relapse. Now, he has left us for good. I regretted not spending more time with him before he left. I thought his condition has stabled, I've never thought that he will be gone so soon. Life is seriously damn unfair. He was a great guy. Why him?? Why cancer?? Why so soon??

Vincent, I hope u know that I've always supported you. I'll miss you, and will always remember your sunshine and affectionate smile... Rest in peace my dear fren.

小时候常常望着窗外的天空
幻想长大以后实现从前走过的美梦
长大后发现世界真的不同
不知该要往哪走
还是停在原地一动也不动
(quoted from the song 小时候 by 南拳妈妈)

2008-09-17T01:39:00.014+08:00

Last 3 months...

I always have a thousand and one reasons or excuses not to update my blog, not that most of them are not valid though. It is either no time, tired from school and work, laptop ganna virus, slow internet connections, no photos, blah blah blah... Actually I'm quite fine with not blogging anymore, but it seems like my number 1 fan wants to see more and constantly ask me to update. Therefore, I shall not disappoint her. *wink wink*

June

Dera and me~

Gym bag.... her first.

Butterfly brooch... nice?

There is only 1 important thing to remember, and that is my dera's birthday! I came back from the HK trip with many presents for my dera and her family. I gave her a glass shoe from Disneyland which has her name engraved on it, something which I thought she would like since she loves heels so much. I also got her a gym bag from Adidas, hopefully that will give her a reason to exercise and to accompany me to gym, hehe. There were also the almond biscuits and "Lao Po Bing" for her family. And once again I must apologise for not smuggling back a chicken from HK which her family and her so dearly wanted. Well... seriously, I din know that she was serious when she said it, and yes, I am afraid of the bird flu. Lastly, there was the highly anticipated birthday party for my Dera on 21st!! I finally gave her the last of the gifts I bought for her from HK, a brooch from Swarovski, something that she thought of buying a year ago. The BBQ party was much more tiring than I expected. I'm always busy cooking and bringing food to the guest. Didn't have much time to stay with my baby and entertain her guest. =( I dun mean to be anti-social. Nonetheless, I'm glad that it went quite ok. I learnt a valuable lesson on organising a party and I'm sure I'll be able to do a better job next time.

July
Ever since young, I've always console myself that even though there wasn't any public holiday in the month of July, at least I'll have my birthday to look forward to. Somehow that makes the month seems less boring. Since it was my birthday month, I got member discount from Party World, Levi's, Dockers, Body Shop and GNC. All these discount are supposed to help me save money, however, I ended up spending more than I should!! If not for them, I dun even think I'll be spending. Damn. A thought of celebrating my birthday at Turf City with some of my frens in Singapore Pools come to mind, however, most of them were in HK at that time and I'm lazy to organise. In the end, I'm content to just let my gf plan my activities for the day. I'm so so so so SO THANKFUL to my dera! Even though her pocket money is finishing, she still managed to fork out enuff money to buy 2 tickets to the Sodagreen concert as my birthday present!! (1 for me and the other for her to accompany me) Actually I can't remember when, but I suddenly become crazy about them recently. I started listening to all their songs after I knew how talented they were, also watched their MV on youtube and bought their CDs. Therefore, I can't explain how excited I was when I knew what my dera got me... I'm gg to their concert in Singapore!! And as expected, the concert was superb. The group sang around 25 songs in more than 3 hrs. What's even better was that I was seated near the front, so I can see everything quite clearly. After the concert, undoubtedly my admiration for Sodagreen grew. WOW!!

August
School started for my both my dera and me. Work also starts to get busy due to the kick off of all the various leagues. Sadly, this results in less time for my beloved dera. We had a number of heated arguments and quarrels, but I'm glad that nothing serious come out from it. No matter how much the misunderstanding, how heated the argument is, I'll always ask myself this question: do I still love her? And everytime when I think of the answer, I'll calm myself down and give in to her. Nothing else would matter anymore. I simply love her too much. There's no one whom I'm willing to sacrifice for and that no one else has ever sacrifice so much for me.
A number of other things happened in August. So Singapore managed to win another silver medal in the Olympics, why do I not feel proud at all? I wonder if there will ever be a time where a local born resident can win even a bronze medal in the future Olympic games. Sports is really quite dead in Singapore, and one can only blame the society that we live in. Talking about sports, I find it increasing hard to find ppl to play a game of soccer. I'm craving for more matches, especially after I scored what I believe was the best goal I've ever had since secondary school; winning a ball from half field, dribbled and sprint past 3 players before rounding the keeper and cooly slot the ball into an empty net for the winning goal. SHIOK!!! That was a major boost to my confidence and I'm really looking forward to more games.

September

Gang of us waiting for the "Star" to arrive

Singapore Pools representative

Really quite saddened by the recent events at Newcastle. Being a magpie fan for more than 10 years, I'm as passionate abt the magpies as any Geordie. However, the leaving of KK and the transfer activities really leave me fuming and dishearted. I do think abt not supporting them anymore, but I know that there is no other club that I'll be passionate abt. Pleeeeease, someone save Newcastle from Mike Ashley and Dennis Wise!!
We just had a surprise birthday party for John yesterday. Really wish him a happy 23th birthday. The shocked, surprised, unbelievable look on his face tells us that the plan was a success. Nothing beats a surprise. Seriously, that's what frens are for. There's no need for anything spectacular, sometimes simple things can also touch ppl's hearts. Looking at the party reminded me of the last bday party which I had had 4 years ago on my 21st. It wasn't a surprise party, but nonetheless I was touched that many of my frens took the time and trouble to come down. I truly appreciate it when someone even bother to come and attend. It makes me feel honoured, I'm sure John feels that way too.

And I’ll taste every moment, and live it out loud, I know this is the time, this is the time. To be more than a name, or a face in the crowd, I know this is the time, this is the time of my life... (quoted from the song The time of my life by David Cook)

2008-06-08T14:53:00.017+08:00

Overseas...

Just came back from overseas, had plenty of fun, experienced many new things, and it was really a memorable trip. All thanks to my elder brother who made it all possible. It was like the first time my whole family went on a trip overseas together. I can't wait to start working and earn money, den next time I can bring my family out instead. There were many first times during the trip,such as boarding a plane, experiencing floods, going into a casino, going on cruise etc, so cool!

Day 1

We set off at 0830hrs and arrive in Hong Kong at 1215hrs. My dad had a fren in HK, who den became our tour guild. After checking into the hotel, we went to our first stop, Xin Guang Da Dao. Took a few pictures with the statues and the scenery just before the rain came pouring. Our dinner was damn filling. It was at a Chinese restaurant and there was like 14 dishes althogether. Eat until we cannot tahan. Sad thing is that I forgot to take any pictures!! Damn. After the food, we went to Nu Ren Jie. The place reminds me of Bugis street. The things that the vendors sell, the settings, and the atmosphere is exactly the same! It was very crowded also, therefore I din manage to take any photographs. That's all for day 1.

Day 2

Early morning we went to Wong Tai Sin to pray, a place which my dad wanted to go dearly. We took the train to the destination. In HK they call it the MTR. I must say I'm quite impressed with their train network. Short waiting time, fast, coordinated, clear signals, informative, impressive. I thought it was better than our MRT. After the prayers, we set off to our next stop. We went to Disneyland! So cool, even the train to Disneyland is nicely decorated. We took a lot of pictures and bought a lot of soveniors. However, the things are really that cheap though. I bought a glass shoe for my Dera with her name engraved on it, I hope she likes it. =) Actually, I thought that HK Disneyland was actually quite fun even though I've heard a lot of bad reviews abt it from my frens. Perhaps I have low expectations. We stayed all the way until 2030hrs to watch the fireworks. I was busy taking photos and missed a lot of actions myself. Wasted. After Disneyland is Temple street. Once again, it looks like Bugis Street, no further comments.

Day 3

After 2 days in HK, it is time to explore the other areas. We set off to Zhu Hai and Macau in my dad's fren's car. There was really nothing much in Zhu Hai, as we only pass by the area, dun have time to go sight-seeing. Macau is interesting. You have to try the portugese egg tart!! It is DELICIOUS!!!!! We also tried the other good food in Macau before gg to the places of interest, including the 2 most popular casinos in Macau, Lisboa and Venetia. Venetia is so pretty! It was like 9pm at night but yet it looks like 1pm inside! That's what I call a place that never sleeps.

Day 4

The initial plan was to go to find a distant relative in Chang Ping den we head off to Guan Zhou, however, there was a super heavy downpour in the afternoon. The rain never subside and not long later, the whole place is flooded. We were more or less stranded in the vicinity. After many detours and waiting, we decided that it would be better to wait till the next day before we commence. By then, the water level has reached above knee height. According to the news, it was the worst flood in the area in 50 years. How lucky can I be? Since we can't go anywhere, we decided to have some foot massage. Foot reflexology in China is damn cheap la. 45RMB for 80 mins. This kind of prices where to find?? Only in China. Shiok.

Day 5
We woke up early in the morning delighted to see that the flooding is gone, so we hastily set off to find our distant relative. We din take long, and soon, we were having lunch together. The flood has done a lot of damage to the area. Rubbish and rumbles can be seen all over the place as we travel away to Guang Zhou. Instead of using the card that we are all so familiar, Guang Zhou MRT uses token! How cute is that?!? After we settled our stuff in the hotel, we walked around in the streets. We went to Beijing Lu and Shang Xia Jiu Lu, mainly to walk around and find things to shop. Things here are pretty cheap, however, I never really heard of most of the brands, so I dunno abt the quality.

Day 6

We set off early to Chen Jia Si Guang Chang and Zhong Shan Bo Wu Yuan. Mostly sight-seeing and photo taking. By noon, we were done and were getting ready to go to Shen Zhen. Took a train from Guan Zhou, the train is very fast. We reached Shen Zhen in just an hour. Next stop, Shi Jie Zhi Chuan. Feels like we explored the whole world. Some of the miniature buildings looks very real, as if we were really in the real place. Nice.

Day 7
After having dim sum, we were going back to HK. I have to say, the dim sum in HK is still the best. Cheap and deliciously good. Much better than Yum Cha in Singapore. When we reached HK, we went to a number of places. We went to Tong Luo Wan, tried the local wanton noodles, took the tram, went to the peak, entered the wax museum, viewed the night scene of HK and also went to Yong Ji to eat the roast goose and went to Lan Gui Fang. Many many places and things within 12 hrs, walk until my leg want to break. I really feel like massaging my foot again.

Day 8

Raining yet again. Had wanted to go to Ocean Park, but the rain changed our plan. Instead, we decided to go shopping and spend our remaining HK dollar away. Bought quite a number of things, some for me and many for my dera and her family. Can't remember when was the last time I shopped. We shpped till around 1700hrs before heading back to our hotel with our barang barang. Last stop, Star Cruise. We bought tickets to Star Cruise and boarded the cruise at 1900hrs. My brother and I realised that if u dun gamble here, there's nothing much for u to do. The food wasn't great, and there was really nothing much to do around. The cinema shows old films, and they charge for the Mahjong table, KTV , massage, pool. Since my younger bro is still underage, we accompanied him to play arcade first, before we head off to the casino. I dun really know what to play, there were so many different betting types. In the end, I decided to try my luck at the jackpo machine. Not bad, I inserted HK$20 and got back HK$220. YAY!! But too bad it is HK dollar, only eqivalent to around SG$40, haha.

Day 9
We got off the cruise at around 1000hrs, den we went back to the hotel to get our luggages. After that, it's time to head back to Singapore. We made our way to the airport by bus and did more last minute shopping at the airport. Now, we really utilise all our money. I can't wait to go back to Singapore. Not that I dun like China or HK, but I realised that I miss a lot more things in Singapore, especially my Dera.

Let me go home, I've had my run, baby, I'm done, I gotta go home. Let me go home, it will be alright, I'll be home tonight, I'm coming back home... (quoted from the song Home by Michael Buble)

2008-03-12T20:48:00.004+08:00

All about you...

Many promises were made,
many tears were shed,
many secrets were shared,
many times u cared,
many songs were sung,
many gifts were sent,
many times we cried,
many times we laughed,
many times u warmed my hands,
many times u touched my heart,
many times we hugged,
many times we kissed,
many times u said u love me,
many times u said u miss me,
many times I felt so blessed,
many times I felt so lucky,
many times I wanted to tell u how much I love u but didn't have the chance to,
many times I thought abt how it would be if I dun have u,
and many times I asked myself,
but there's only one answer,
this is one thing which I never regret.

I love u bubu~

我不想舍得不想懂得
是谁惹谁言不由衷
说谎伤害都是不安犯的错
怕抱不紧什黱
我不想舍得不想懂得
谁说割爱才更深刻
彼此依赖是爱不是负荷
能握著手就是感动的
(quoted from the song 不想懂得 by 张韶涵)

2008-02-20T14:45:00.004+08:00

Cleared...

It has been a long wait, closed to 2 months. When I received the March schedule for courses of ACCA, I knew that the time can come. The result has been released. I have to say, I wasn't confident at all. This is my first papers, and I hope to get off to a good start. It was really not easy to juggle between earning enuff money for the next semester, spending enuff quallity time with my gf and doing well for my exams. After the papers, I thought I was gg to retake at least 1 paper, quite disappointed, but I din dwell on it too much and just enjoyed myself since the results will only be out later and I've done my best.

When I logged in to the website, it confirmed my suspicion. "Exam results for Dec 2007". Judgement day. I can't remember when was the last time I did well for my exams (maybe 'O' levels??), I was quite scared. Anxiety filled me as I slowly entered my ID and password. I din click "enter" until I took a deep breathe. I stared long and hard at the screen before I relaxed. I passed all my papers. I can't tell u how relieved I was at the moment. I wanted to share with my gf, who has been supportive of me all these while, but she's asleep in Spain and I din wan to wake her up. I was like smiling to myself retardedly....haha. Actually the papers wasn't that tough, all MCQs, but I still have a lot of pride to have completed the first part of ACCA. It was a tremendous boost to my confidence. I have got to get it right.

My results were average. around 60-70%. First surprise was that I cleared the papers, second surprise was that I actually scored the highest for my lousiest subject. Ended up I fare the worst for the subject I was most confident in. Over-confident ya? Well, I dun care anyway, this calls for a celebration! However, I have to wait till my ulcers clear first before I can truly enjoy myself. Everything is right on schedule. Now I'm ready for part 2.

第一天我存在
第一次呼吸畅快
站在地上的脚踝
因为你而有真实感
第一天我存在
第一次能飞起来
爱是腾空的魔幻
第一天的纯真色彩
它总是永远那么灿烂
(quoted from the song 第一天 by 孙燕姿)

2008-02-15T11:08:00.002+08:00

Questions...

1. Why would u want to disappoint ur love one on a special occasion?
2. Why is it so hard to even accept a small request?
3. Why am I feeling like this?
4. When will I ever not feel this way?
5. Why can't she be like other ppl?
6. Have I made her feel like I'm too "safe"?
7. Would she worry if I do the same thing on Valentine's Day?
8. Did she ever consider how I will feel?
9. Is it all about trust?
10. Are u sure u love me more than I love u?

I'm tired. Disappointed. Perhaps something u can never understand.

I need a drink.

快乐我哭是因为我付出
得到你温柔的答覆
难过我哭是因为我认输
你的心永远留不住
(quoted from the song 好眼泪坏眼泪 by 徐若瑄)

2008-02-15T01:56:00.002+08:00

A simple request...

Some questions only have 1 right answer. Any other answer is simple unacceptable. Especially when it is regarding ur faith. Sorry, wrong answer.

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you? Has someone taken your faith? Its real, the pain you feel... (quoted from the song Best of You by Foo Fighters)

2008-02-11T10:59:00.000+08:00

Happy CNY...

Recently I'm not happy. Even though it is CNY, I can't get myself excited at all. The mood this year feels different. The fact that I have to work during CNY is quite a turn-off. Sigh, no choice, the pay is good. I got even more money from the 2 days than the 4 days i went around collecting Ang Baos.

I have to say, work is getting suckier and suckier(hmm... i wonder if there is such a word). Now, I can conclude that my current job has NO JOB SATISFACTION, NO PAY INCREMENT, NO BONUS, NO WELFARE, and makes me have NO LIFE and NO SLEEP. Sucks. Does anybody has any "lobang" on good part time jobs?? Sigh... there's increasing discontentment among staffs at the work place, but the management is either ignorant or unwilling to do anything to improve the situation. I'm seriously thinking of forming an union or simple go on strike. I'm sure a lot of ppl will follow me.

Recently my baby complained to me that im neglecting her. I'm so sorry. It is really not my choice. The whole wide world knows that I love her more than anything in this world, so I really never mean to make her feel that way. =( She has been gone for 1 month already, and throughout this 4 weeks, the number of times I can talk to her is really limited. Long distance relationship is really quite frustrating at times. However, I'll treat this as a test!! I will survive!!!

Been visiting these few days cos of CNY. Managed to catch up with a number of frens and relatives. Most of my relatives looked the same, except for my younger cousins who grew bigger and less cute. Most of my frens are either graduated or graduating, makes me feel like I'm lagging behind badly. Damn. Need to work MUCH harder.

Baby i still believe
我也可以走过峦流
紧紧握住双手
一秒就够
不孤单寂寞
Baby i still believe
爱要有梦才会快乐
就算未来的路不同
你在我心中到永久
(quoted from the song I still believe by 徐若瑄 & 曹格)

2008-01-08T11:28:00.000+08:00

Dera...

Time passes too fast. It's only 5 weeks ago that she came back from Shanghai, and she's gg to leave me again in 1 week time. If u take away the days I fall sick, preparing for exams, working and the week she went for Japan, I've only spent like 2 good weeks with her!! URGH!! Please slow time down, I still have a lot of things which I haven't do with my baby yet... sigh sigh sigh...

She kept asking me if she has been too "sticky", the answer to that is obviously NO! It is only when she's around that I have someone to hold and hug, someone to have meals with, someone to go shopping with and someone to go movie with. Suddenly I felt alive, back from the dead. My life doesn't revolve around work anymore, finally it is time to relax and enjoy. I've always felt comfortable with my Dera around. In front of her, I dun have to put on a mask. I can totally be myself, retarded, carefree, unglamorous and real.

Since she's back, she had showered me with loves and presents. Always there for me whenever I need her, especially when I'm stress over exams and when I'm very sick and feeling miserable. She gave me many small gifts like cool matchsticks, sweets, biscuits, chocolates, a handmade small pouch, a very cute mushroom mug, and a not very cheap pair of Adidas sneakers. What can I say? She's so nice to me! Nobody else would have given me those items and spend so much time with me. I'm really very lucky and grateful to have her.

Now, all I want to do is to spend time with her and do whatever she wants to do before she leaves for Spain. SPAIN = PAIN. I dun want to regret like when she leave for China again. The other time, I failed to spend enough time with her, and I felt so bad. Was missing her like crazy while she's away for 4 and a half months. I still got 132 hrs left. Got to make the most out of it. I love u baby.

And I will love you baby, always. And I'll be there forever and a day, always. I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme. And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind. And I'll love you, always... (quoted from the song Always by Bon Jovi)

2008-01-06T15:34:00.000+08:00

A few thoughts...

Lately, I was sick. Damn sick. So sick that I could not talk, eat, speak for almost 2 weeks. Contracted a very serious oral infection. Cost me 4 visits to the doctor(2 polyclinic, 2 private cinic), $180, 3 weeks of pain and suffering and 3 weeks of inactivity.

My school started not too long ago. Before that was panicking on the course fees and such as I failed to meet the deadline. Next was movie with my dera. Watched Michael Clayton at Plaza Singapura after my first lesson. The show was in our opinion........BORING. It is those kind of show whereby even if u fall asleep in the cinema, u wun miss much action. Never mind the good acting, the triller wasn't trilling at all.

My dera is leaving me again! This time to Spain, for another 5 months. Sigh. It seems like she just came back not too long ago, and now she's leaving me for so long again. Time really flies. Only 1 week left before she leaves. I'm running out of time.

A few thoughts on my mind...
1. Never trust a vet. Xiao Bai is so lonely and scared by it's own now.
2. Never trust the polyclinic. They only give inferior medication. What do u expect for something cheap?
3. Take good care of your body. Prevention is better than cure. It sucks to be sick.
4. No work = No money. I'm broke once again cos I haven't been working due to MC.
5. Pay your bills in advance. Save yourself from unnecessary worries and maybe fines or penalties.
6. Rest well the day before your lessons. Sleeping in classes means waste of money and time.
7. Never trust the US movie critics. See the critics from your own country. Unexplained.
8. Watch The Bucket List. It is a great movie that is showing on cinema very soon. 5 stars.
9. Be nice to your love ones. Never take them for granted.
10. Live eveyday wisely. Time never waits.

I love you
无法不爱着你
说你也爱我
I love you
永远不愿意baby
失去你
(quoted from the song 爱很简单 by 陶喆)

2007-12-25T09:30:00.000+08:00

Not so merry Christmas...

It's Christmas yet again! However this year's Christmas suck big time for me. Never mind the fact that I dun celebrate Christmas, I have to prepare 3 gifts just because I know that some ppl are buying presents for me( 1 of them is for gift exchange though). Apart from that, the biggest shit that I'm going through is that I'm freaking sick. There are millions of ulcers in my mouth and I can hardly eat, drink, talk. The sad thing is that I still have to work. But then again, this is yet the saddest thing. The saddest thing is that my dera is not by my side this Christmas and anniversary... sigh~. She's enjoying herself with her family in Japan now. I do hope she enjoyed herself, and hopefully by the time she's back, my illnesses would have recovered. *fingers crossed*

Last but not least I wish everyone a merry merry Christmas... at least better than mine.

Christmas, Christmas time is near, time for toys and time for cheer. We've been good, but we can't last. Hurry Christmas, Hurry fast. Want a plane that loops the loop, me, I want a Hula-Hoop. We can hardly stand the wait, please Christmas don't be late... (quoted from the song Christmas Don't Be Late by Alvin and the Chipmunks)

2007-12-04T00:32:00.000+08:00

The life story of 小胖...

Today's the day my beloved hamster, 小胖, passed away. So ironic, just 2 days after I've written a post for my hamsters. She died due to excessive loss of blood during an surgical operation to remove a tumour around its bum. This is how her story goes...

In Febuary 2007, 小白 and 小胖 came into the family. Both were white-faced Roborovski and they were extremely adorable. Ever since they arrived, I've treated them very well. I got them a very comfortable cage with a big wheel. They simply love the wheel! They can be seen running on it non-stop for more than 15 mins. Fearing that they may get bored, I even bought many extensions and tunnels to join to the cage, giving them extra space to run and hide. There's also 2 "coolant" tiles for them to chill when the weather gets too warm. Food wise, they never get to worry. In fact, they always get to eat very good food and snacks. Not only do they get top grade hamster food, they also get to eat cheese, peanuts, raisins, fruits, veggies and biscuits. I thought they even lead better lives than I do!

小胖 is very tamed, female, and she always like to stuff a lot of food into her mouth. She's also much fatter than 小白, hence came the name. Although she is very stupid(intellectually and looks), she's a very loving mother! She has already gave birth 5 times and is a mother of 13!(could have been more, if the first 2 batches had survived) All her babies were SO CUTE! However, I have to give them all away as I can't keep too many hamsters. Now that she's gone, I regretted not keeping any of them.

Everything was fine until a month ago, I discovered a small protrusion on its belly. Thinking that she's probably pregnant again, I did not take much notice abt it. During these times, she still behave and reacted quite normally, nothing seemed wrong. However, as I changed the cage every week and examined her, I noticed that something wasn't quite right. Usually when she's pregnant, her belly will swell, but this time, the swell is only on one side of the belly. After another week, I realised that the area around the swell keeps getting bigger and the hair around the region started to come off. By the 3rd week, I'm convinced that she's not pregnant at all, but I still do not know what that growth was. I had wanted to wait till my exams are over before I bring it to a vet, but it seems like I need to take action fast. Therefore, I took it to see a vet today together with my gf. The growth is already the size of a 10-cent coin.

At the animal clinic, the vet confirmed my suspicion. It was a tumour. She gave me 2 choices, 1 is to let it be, and probably she'll live for another 2-3 months before the tumour burst through it's belly and cause it to die; or 2 is to perform a surgury on it to remove the growth, however, there's a lot of risk involved and here may be complications. The decision wasn't hard to make. I'll want to save it. I know that there will be high risk involved, but I'll rather take the chance to save it than to let it suffer and die in pain. I can still remember the look on it's face when it was lying down at the clinic. She suddenly became so quiet... as though she knew something was going to happen to her. I can even caress it gently on it's head and body, usually she'll be very scared and wun even let me touch her. I felt uneasy. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.
I was then told to come back later, they will call me to inform me of the outcome.

The wait wasn't very long... 20 mins after I got home, I received a call from the clinic. The vet told me that she passed away. I dunno what to say. I did not expect her to really just die like that. When I decided to send it to the clinic, I meant to save her, not to hurt her. The vet then told me that it was a muscle tumour and she lost a lot of blood after the growth was cut as it is attached to its muscle. I had to go down to collect its body. I felt sad. Perhaps it's my fault that I din send it to a vet earlier. Or maybe... I shdn't even send it to a vet in the first place. Too many "what-if"s...

Later on, I made a coffin for 小胖 using toilet roll and went down to collect its body. She was cold and hard by the time I see it for the last time. I touched it one last time before transferring it to the coffin. I'm glad my dera was beside me at that time, as I was really quite depressed. We then buried her under a tree near my house. The least I could do is to give her a decent burial. Now, the cage suddenly seem so empty. Only 小白 left. And he probably dunno that his companion has gone to heaven. He just sits there by himself. Sigh.

I just hope that 小胖 will get to enjoy life in heaven. I never thought she'll leave me so soon, she's only 1 year old. I'll certainly miss her. In a way, I'm glad that she passed away in her sleep, at least she din have to suffer anymore. And I hope she had enjoyed her life while she's alive, for I've always treated her well. Last but not least, I even gave her a proper burial. I think she shd have been a happy hamster. Rest in peace.

We'll carry on, we'll carry on, and though you're dead and gone believe me, your memory will carry on. We'll carry on, and in my heart I can't contain it, the anthem won't explain it... (quoted from the song Welcome to the black parade by My Chemical Romance)

2007-12-01T07:09:00.000+08:00

Autobiography of a hamster...

Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Another day has passed.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Time to remove the husk.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Food here always last.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Escape's the number one task.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
The wheel keeps spinning fast,
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
But that's still where I was.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Trying to make it bust,
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
The metal will only rust.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Overcome with lust,
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
She never have to ask.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Find a place to bask.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Sleep from dawn to dusk.
Sniff, sniff, sniff,
Another day has passed.

Dans votre oeil se trouve une petite pleur, mais je ne suis pas un autre Coeur, tu sais tu es ma petite fleur, avec une plotte qui est comme du beurre... (quotd from the song Ma Poubelle by Sum 41)

2007-11-29T07:08:00.000+08:00

Friends...

Finally my Dera is back in Singapore, and can accompany me all day all night. Life was so boring when she just left. All I ever did while she was away for the first 2 months was eat, study, work, sleep, eat, study, work, sleep, work, study, work, sleep etc... There were times when I felt so lonely. When I was at home, my Dera was working, and when she was free, I was the one at work. Seriously mentally tired and I missed her even more. Life sux.

It was only after a while later when I got closer to the colleagues in Singapore Pools that my life start to get less boring. With the start of the Champion's League and La Liga, there were suddenly more matches and more job opportunities. Surely I wun miss on the chance to earn more money, so I was like working almost everyday. I thought I was crazy, however, I realised that there are other crazy ppl out there. After a while, I noticed that it was always the same group of ppl who worked at late nites. We got along better with one another and the bond between us got better with each passing day. We start to set up imaginary clubs...haha. For example, Metal club(iron man) for ppl who worked for at least 10 days in a row, 10 dollar club for ppl who get the $10 allowance regularly, Closing club for ppl who worked for 10 consecutive closing shifts, etc. Of cos u wun get any perks for being in the club, they are just some stupid titles. I belonged to all 3 of them, so u shd be able to tell how hardcore I am...haha.

Soon, we start to get together more often when there was no work(how rare). We start to organise birthday celebrations and mahjong sessions! We celebrated Chester's and Reese birthday at Waraku and Party World. Their birthday was actually in September, so it was some way back. The food was ok, nothing special, however, we found out something at the KTV. Reese can sing bloody well. All of us were impressed. We all seemed so mediocre... I think we boasted her morale.

Reese and Chester cutting cake at Party World...

Group photo before we left...

We also went to Turf city for seafood in October to celebrate Eddie's birthday. We just collected our pay and were feeling rich, so we decided to order some "good" stuff. We had prawns, crabs, fish, oysters, clams and even lobster! A very sumptuous feast. While we were washing our hands in the washroom, Eddie sneakily went to foot the bill. All of us felt so bad. It was supposed to be our treat and he wun accept us paying him back. Damn, shd have ordered more expensive food... haha, just kidding.

Doesn't that makes u feel hungry??

Eddie and his gf Cailing and the lobster...

James eating chilli crab...

Pey Shyuan and the lobster.....again...

I'm so thankful of all these friends who kept me company when I was feeling lonely. A big thank you to all u guys: James for being so lame and entertaining us during work, made time pass faster; Eddie for being such a wonderful guy and great host for mj; Chester for being my cab buddy when we need to share cab for all the various reasons; Reese for being so blonde and entertaining and dun worry, u'll find ur rite guy; Pey Shyuan for being a nice mj khaki. Well, there are definitely more names to mention, but I'll just name a few. Sorry I wun be "fighting fire" with u guys for the next few weeks, happy working and cya soon!!

Trying to find a way, getting better everyday, and I got you now I'm not alone. All I need in this life is one. One thing to believe in... (quoted from the song Speak of the devil by Sum 41)

2007-11-27T05:53:00.000+08:00

20...

20 months has passed since we got together. Only 20? I was expecting more than that, perhaps it was because we spent almost everyday together before she left China. That also explains why everything feels weird while she was away. Suddenly I wasn't used to being alone. Whatever things that I do reminded me of her. She probably made up 90% of my memory space, cause I can remember even the smallest details abt her and whatever she said. All these small things are essentials to make her happy. Everytime I see her smile, tells me that my effort hasn't gone wasted.

Yesterday was the day which I've been planning for so long. Ever since I know that she'll be back to celebrate our anniversary together, I've been working hard to make sure that she'll remember the day. The long hours of brainstorming and shortlisting the possible presents, the long working hours to make sure I earn enough to purchase them, the long hours which I spent preparing the presents, the long hours I spent to come up with a good presentation and delivery, the long hours I spent hidding the "secrets" from her when I've been dying to show her what I've gotten her. That was definitely a long long wait...

No. 1. I remember that day when my dera's bracelet broke. She looked very sad and told me that it was a gift from her dad. While she was sleeping, I sneakily tried to fix back for her and put it on again. I still remember the smile on her face when she woke up. After that she stopped wearing it again as the the links became loose again. Mission one, I'll love to see that smile again. I went to many places to see, from Sookee, Goldheart, Brilliant Rose, Tian Po, etc. She loves "bling bling", so I was looking for one with diamonds. However, the designs with diamonds which fit my budget is really quite limited, and they are quite different from the previous one that my dera had. I was getting really frustrated, until I saw one at Tian Po, the "ding ding dong dong" reminded me of her old bracelet. I found it.

No. 2. Everytime I went to a pet shop with her, She'll look at the doggies in the window. She have always wanted a Chihuahua. I've wanted to get her one, however, there are a few problems: 1. budget, 2. she wun have time since she's leaving for Spain soon, 3. her hammies are still alive and kicking. 4. budget, 5. budget, 6. STILL BUDGET. Therefore, since I can't get her a real one, I get her a fake one. Interestingly, this is only the second time I got her a soft toy, the first one was a koala bear which she carries with her even to China =).

No. 3. The folding of the stars left the greatest impression on me. That was a very old school act, but I know my dera likes stars, and that's why I decorated her hostel room with stars and promised to watch the stars with her when she's back. The packaging of the folding stripes said: train patience, perseverance, determination. OMG, I almost laughed when I saw that. I'm SO sure that people fold stars for those purposes la. Anyway I am a patient man, so this can't kill me. I wanted to wish her good luck, so I folded 777 stars for her all by myself (lucky 7 ya?). Took me quite a while to finish them, I even have to bring to my workspace to fold, if not I can't finish in time. And once again, my mum complained that I never fold any for her, hohohohoho (I'll fold her moon next time, much easier, roll into a ball will do). Very stressed, everytime I do something for her, my mum saw already she also want. =X

No. 4. During June while I was shopping for present for my brother, we went shopping at Takashimaya. I remembered that she was looking at the perfume section. She wanted a Chanel no. 5 fragrance. In the end she din buy it as she thought it was too expensive. So I went shopping for a perfume for her. I was going to get her a Chanel, but when I came across DKNY, I stopped. Two different kind of scent, but one is sweeter. I changed my mind.

No 5. We went to do what we enjoy doing: KTV, movie, food and sleep!! All in a day! However, things are really not as good as expected. K lunch was over rated. The food was bloody cold. I ate the food thinking that it will keep me warm, however, after I ate the veggies, I felt even more cold!! Bloody cold, within half an hour, my hot tea turned into ice tea. The food wasn't fantastic and they seriously need to heat them up before serving customers. No more K lunch for me. We had durian puff for snacks after that. It was nice, after eating that I actually wanted to eat more durians. Shall bring my dera to eat durians one of these days! Next stop, Beowulf. Actually the movie was not bad, plenty of action, a few funny lines and good visual effects, perhaps I expected too much from the movie, it seemed kinda boring to me. I felt that if it wasn't so animated, it could have been better. I just hope my dera wasn't bored by the film. As it was still early after the movie, we went to my house to chill. We had a nice chat and ate dinner before my dera fall asleep in my arms. It felt like yesterday, like the days back in Hall 3. I really miss those days. While sleeping, she looked the same, the small little gal who likes to cuddle in my arms, just like the good old days before she left Singapore. I'm so glad she's back.

I certainly enjoyed myself, it has been a while. I hope she's happy too. And I hope she likes the presents.

I love you.

只要看你一眼一瞬间
哪怕是最后画面
我的世界
因为爱过而完美
谁都不该离太远
只要看你一眼一瞬间
足够我熬过千年
我不后悔
爱若让末日提前
我们要一起
好好迎接那句点
(quoted from the song 一眼瞬间 by 张惠妹 & 萧敬腾)

2007-11-26T04:29:00.000+08:00

A mystery...

Another sleepless night,
The mystery is still left unsolved.
There wasn't many clues,
but the telling signs are clear.
It wasn't as easy as it seems.
Perhaps I've been paranoid,
But my sixth sense tells me that something is wrong.
Apparently, everything seems fine,
Until the secondary investigations.
There are many loopholes that were overlooked.
Was it a scheme by the mastermind to hide something?
I'm confused...
Althought it has been documented,
but I believe the crime isn't solved yet.
It felt like I've been dealed a low blow,
Fallen deep into the setter's trap.
Should I carry on with this investigation?
Or should I just let it rest?
Ignorance is blissed,
But this unrest is killing me.
I want to get to the bottom of this,
For there is more than meets the eye.
I hope I'm wrong.

Happy 20th month anniversary dera.
I love you.

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于
描述我如何爱你
你却微笑的离我而去
这感觉已经不对我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略你不过要人陪
这感觉已经不对我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美
我不配
(quoted from the song 我不配 by 周杰伦)

2007-11-07T04:28:00.000+08:00

The one that matters most...

Finally got my pay for last month last Friday. As expected, it was quite good, considering the hours i spent working for the past few weeks. Suddenly I felt more secure. Hmm... seems like money does wonders...haha.

There are so many things which I wanted to buy... a new pair of sneakers, new handphone, camara, clothes, and not forgetting my PS3!!! However, I realised that i dun really need all these things. What I have is already quite sufficient. Seriously, I dun really feel like spending on these items anymore now that I have the capacity. I'll rather spend them with my family or gf, cause the satisfaction and happiness that comes along will amplify this way than me spending the money on myself. It seems like I never worry about my money whenever I spend on my gf or family, but i feel the pinch when I spend on myself...ouch! Maybe I'm becoming more mature.

Or maybe it is just because I miss her too much, dying for her to come back soon.

我可以陪你去看星星
不用再多说明
我就要和你在一起
我不想又再一次和你分离
我多么想每一次的美丽
是因为你
(quoted from the song 我可以 by 蔡昮佑)

2007-09-09T17:02:00.001+08:00

Sacrifice...

Hey, where's your girlfriend? She's in China doing attachment now. And how long will she be gone? 6 months. Wow, then wouldn't you be lonely? *Smile* No la, 6 months will pass very shortly...

Seems like there's a change.

Time had never past slow, and now I have to wait even longer. How much are you willing to sacrifice for your love? It's funny that she can ask me that question. While I've been busy and tired working so hard all these while, it all suddenly seems meaningless. You really cared about my feelings, do you not? I'm amazed, shocked, angry when I heard it. While I've been sacrificing for you, what have you been doing? Now I even have to sacrifice somemore to be in your 'plan'. It seems like adaption, money, job, studies and language are nothing of concern, that I can easily quit my job here, change school, learn a new language in 3 months and easily get a job in a foreign environment. A whole new change of life.

How much sacrifiction is enough? Furthermore, I'm ONLY your boyfriend.

How much have you sacrificed for me?

只能眺望东边
你的世界太远
撑到想象的极限
幸福有多甜
可黑夜已吞噬我
就是拉不到你的手
(quoted from the song 西界 by 林俊杰)

2007-08-23T23:01:00.000+08:00

What Jared wants...

After slogging for so many days and so many nights, I'm feeling extremely tired. It is not the case where I dun get enough rest or sleep, but that the cumulative fatigue and dryness of the work is finally taking its toll. My energy level and morale is bottom low. AHHHH!!!!!!! I need something to perk myself up, some morale boaster or something. There's only 1 reason to why i worked so long and hard: money. Need to pay off my loans and debts and buy so many things. There's so many things that I want!! Not forgetting that I need to set aside some money for examinations for ACCA and for next semester's school fees.

I decided to list down the things that I want:

1.

My Dera!! I miss her so much!!

2.

Fly to Shanghai to visit my dera!! Or even fly to other countries to tour!

3.

Mahjong!! My hands are 'itchy', but cannot find ppl to play lei...sad

4.

Eh.. I dunno this place nor this 'ang mo', but i want to eat the seafood!!!

5.

Wooh~ The legedary PS3!!

Sigh... I NEED MONEY!!

Taken all I could take, and I cannot wait, we're wasting too much time. Being strong, holding on, can't let it bring us down. My life with you means everything, so I won't give up that easily. I'll blow it away, blow it away. Can we make this something good?... (quoted from the song It's not over by Daughtry)

2007-07-31T22:35:00.000+08:00

The Simpsons...

Finally watched The Simpsons the movie today. The movie is super retardedly funny!! Haha! I was like laughing non-stop over the whole 90mins. The movie is much funnier than the normal cartoon. If u like lame and retarded jokes, The Simpsons is definitely a must-watch. The movie also touched on topics like environment and pollution, politics, family values, so there is definitely some depth and content. One of the best movie I've seen this year.

Spider pig, spider pig, does whatever a spider pig does. Can he swing from a web? No he can’t, he’s a pig. Look Out! He is a spider pig... (quoted from the song Spider Pig from the movie)

2007-07-24T12:51:00.000+08:00

Just me...

I'm feeling quite sad these few days.
1. Girlfren went overseas
2. Whole day busy with work and studies
3. Baby roborovskis leaving me in another 1-2 weeks
4. Failed to organise any outings
5. Fall sick on my birthday
6. And celebrated it alone
7. I'm getting old
How boring and sad can my life be now??

Entertain me please.

Now come on come all to this tragic affair, wipe off that makeup, what's in is despair, so throw on the black dress, mix in with the lot, you might wake up and notice you're someone you're not... (quoted from the song The end by My Chemical Romance)

2007-06-24T20:01:00.000+08:00

Love cradle...

Thursday was the first time I went to Kuishin Bo. I'm never a fan of Japanese food, but I must admit that the food there is very good. There's a lot of variety too. Although it wasn't cheap, I really eat to my heart's content. Really the best Japanese buffet restaurant in Singapore in my opinion. I'm also glad that my dera likes the present that I made her, at least all the hard work is worth it...haha~.

Kuishin Bo!!

Food!! yummy sashimi~

More food!! The crab is very nice!

Lobster that requires luck and speed to get...

My handwriting is not too bad rite?

Which one is more beautiful? Dera or flowers?

My 'project'... the heart shape took me ages to cut...

Ta-da!!

Rockaby handphone in the handphone cot...

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上
拥有一个专属天使
我哪里还需要别的愿望
(quoted from the song 专属天使 by Tank)

2007-06-21T06:17:00.000+08:00

21st...

Happy 21st birthday, dera!! Hooray!! *clap clap* Now, u are officially a young lady, can watch RA films and no need parental consent anymore (hmm....maybe not). May all your wishes come true~. And I really hope u like the present I made for u. It took me many days to brainstorm for ideas, 1 full day to plan and 1 whole night to make ur present. Please pardon my workmanship, and in case u think that it is quite a cheapo gift, I actually wanted to get u something special, something that u cannot get or purchase outside, something that is solely meant for u. It really took me a lot of effort. I know u blamed me for neglecting u last night, I'm sorry, I was only trying to finish the 'project' so that I can give u today. Forgive me ok?

My fingers are still aching and sore even when I'm typing this. However, I think it is worth the effort. the present turn out to be better than I expected. Suddenly I feel so proud of myself again, haha... Time to sleep, really tired. Seeya later baby~.

Happy birthday to you, you are born in the zoo, with the lions and the tigers, and the monkeys love you~... (quoted from a silly childhood song)

2007-05-28T17:20:00.000+08:00

Dead...

So long, so very long since I've posted a new entry. I almost forgot that I had a blog. Many things happened to me, but mostly bad things, things which I dun wish to disclose. I'm glad I've friends who helped me and supported me along the way. And most of all, I want to thank my dear who's always by my side, sharing my woes. I can't imagine how life will be without her. Thank you dera. =)

I've fallen many times, perhaps one too many. I've learnt too many lessons, had too many regrets. Now I really have to make the best of what I've left. Enough disappointment and despair. If I still dun wake up now, then I guess I'm better off dead.

And if your heart stops beating, I'll be here wondering, did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life. And if you get to heaven, I'll be here waiting, babe, did you get what you deserve? The end, and if your life won't wait. Tten your heart can't take this... (quoted from the song Dead! by My Chemical Romance)

2006-10-18T02:20:00.000+08:00

Break...

I'm extremely irritated by what's going on recently. Seems like nothing is going right. I wonder how other people will react or feel if they had the same predicament. Will they had already exploded? Or will they just heck care about them? People say that I've got high tolerance level. I think so too.

Sometimes I wish that I'm born in a different era, probably in the past, where life is not so hectic. Either that, or my nonchalant attitude has got to change. I've lost my drive and motivation to study. Occasionally, I do have this feeling of quiting school and go find a job. I've got to admit, "that" is damn powerful. It drains me of my time and will, left me feeling weak and lost. Like what people say, energy must be put to good use, if not, it can be destructive. I totally agree with them. Shall convert and make better use of "that".

My friends, where are u all?? Seems like my world has shrank, my activities are restricted, my options are limited and my braincells are corroding. Stimulations or stimulants are needed!! Yawnzz.

If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told, before we get too old, show me a garden that's bursting into life... (quoted from the song Chasing cars by Snow Petrol)

2006-09-10T17:42:00.000+08:00

Anything but studies...

Hohoho.... it has been 1 month since I last blogged. Got somethings to blog about, so it might be a bit long, just bear with it, hehe.

First of all, I'll start off with the CAC Face 2006. 22 people from many of the CAC related clubs, including myself, took part in this competition for a chance to become the new CAC ambassadors. Seriously speaking, I believe that all of us were just taking it as an experience, not for glory, thus, there wasn't any tension or stress among any of us. Most of us were just having fun...haha. Well, thanks to the overwhelming support from my FOC main com, I managed to win the "ADAM" title, which means Mr. Popular. Since it is based on the votes of the people, and that most of the people who turn up are from my portfolio, it is only logical that I win it...haha. Kinda 'bought' the title. Thank you main commers for the present!! I wun say that I'm disappointed at not winning the CAC Face, I can't be happier that I managed to at least win something. Overall, it was an memorable experience, and I managed to acquire more friends. I need to thank all those who made the whole event a success. Thanks for the memory!

Wenty & Me @ CAC Bash...

Male contestants...

Female contestants...

CAC Ambassadors...

My supporters & me...

My dear & me...

Next up, I'm now working at ATTICA as a part timer together with my girlfriend. This is the first time I'm working in this business. And once again, like the previous job that I had in Singapore Pools, I'm required to work thruout the nite. By the time I reach hall, it is already 6a.m. in the morning. Quite tiring, need to drag myself out of bed for lessons. In case u people dunno where is ATTICA, it is located at Clark Quay, between IndoChine and OneNightStand. I haven't been to many clubs, however, I think the music there is good. Lots of "ang mos" too. People, if u happened to pass by the area, do pay me a visit ya? Haha, I'll appreciate if u buy me a drink. ;)

Sadly, I'm feeling more and more outcasted. Been missing out on a lot of activities that is going on, be it in hall or outside. Sometimes I really wonder what is the use of having a handphone because nobody calls u when they want to find u. Dun u start to wonder, are they really looking for u?? Most of the time, I'll be at my girlfriend's room as reception there is million times better my own room. And because of that, people think that I'm not in hall, and sadly, I'm left out of many hall activities. Seriously speaking, I can't tell whether it is because I'm anti-social(strangly, I got into social sub com yet again) or that I'm outcasted. Sigh...

Last of all, the most important point I want to make: I love my koala bear!!

夏天的风我永远记得
清清楚楚地说你爱我
我看见你酷酷的笑容也有腼腆的时候
夏天的风正暖暖吹过
穿过头发穿过耳朵
你和我的夏天风轻轻说着
(quoted from the song 夏天的风 by 温岚)

2006-08-10T01:22:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Singapore...

Singapore just celebrated its 41st birthday. I spent this holiday going out with my dear. Went KTV with her only as those whom I asked along all cannot make it. Nonetheless, it was a fun outing. We sang for 4 hrs, sang until no voice. Even ran out of songs to sing. Shall go and listen to more new songs.

A lot of things had happened lately. I've finished both my CAC and hall 3 freshmen orientation camps. CAC FOC is more tiring, and hall FOC is more fun. Spent most of my time as a taxi driver during CAC camp. I think my driving skills up 2 notches after driving the fucked up van. Lucky I din meet with any accidents. I din do much during hall camp, but at least I had fun doing my stations. The most memorable part is probably during monster hunt and the drinking session on the last day. First time I feel so shag after drinking. Haha... Oh, by the way, a very special thank you to all my main and sub commers for enduring with me and doing such a good job. I hope I haven't made anyone unhappy or anything throughout the camps.

School started on Monday. Sigh... I dun feel ready at all. Time to mug!!

My Logistic Sub Commers...

Welfare and Logistic having dinner together...

Group Photo...

Stand up for Singapore, do the best you can. Reach out for your fellow man, you got to make a stand... (quoted from the national day song Stand up for Singapore)

2006-07-23T03:40:00.000+08:00

Crazy...

I think I'm gg crazy these few days. Probably becos I'm thinking and expecting too much. Somethings made me wonder and question the logic behind most things. It doesn't matter how long u know someone, 5 days or 2 months, usually u will only remember those with u recently. It doesn't matter what promise u makes, once forgotten, it is gone. Money also doesn't really matter as long as the amount isn't large and that u are rich enough. Well... I think I'm too stubborn at times. Too inflexible to consider other options or possibilities, always sticking to the conventional methods or ways things are supposed to function. I need to adapt to changes and always come up with a plan B or even plan C. Things wun always end up the way I want. I need to stop being an idealist.

There are times when one has to make some sacrifice. Sometimes even forgoing something which u want dearly. As long as I think it is worth it, I'm willing to sacrifice my everything, to even die for that something that is close to my heart. Sounds crazy enough, but that's what I'll really do. Will u do the same for someone or something close to u? How much are u willing to sacrifice? Then again, the valuation of the "worth" of anything is subjective. One might find it important, the other might think it is trivia. Although I'm willing to do all the sacrifice, it doesn't mean that I'm happy abt it at all. My selfish self will always cause me to feel unhappy abt it. My mind will always be asking me why I have to do all these sacrifice and not maintain or insist on doing things the way I want. Sometimes, it is out of love. I love her too much to make her feel sad. Shall learn to control my emotions and learn to be more cold blooded.

I felt much better now. Suddenly everything becomes clear. I know what to do already. I need to be myself.

You got that certain something. What you give to me, takes my breath away. Now the word out on the street, is the devil's in your kiss. If our love goes up in flames, it's a fire I can't resist... (quoted from the song Crying by Aerosmith)

2006-07-21T00:05:00.000+08:00

Strange...

Being feeling like shit these few days. Felt as if something is wrong. I should have been feeling happy today, but yet I feel so alone. Not that I actually care abt this occasion ever in the past, but dunno why, it affected me quite a lot now. How ironic... At first, I'm too used to being alone. Now, I'm too used to being with her. Sigh... wonder what's happening to me. Seems like I'm losing all my strength. And what am I doing in hall the past few days?? The more I stay, the more sad I feel. Should have gone home these few days.

Well, let's just say I'm not good with words. Can't get the message I want her to know across. Ultimately, I just want to tell her that I really miss her. I hope she understands...

But I'm not too sure how I'm supposed to feel, or what I'm supposed to say. But I'm not, not sure, not too sure how it feels, to handle every day and I miss you love... (quoted from the song Miss you love by Silverchair)

2006-07-06T22:47:00.000+08:00

Hello...

Haven't touched this space for more than a month, I wonder how many ppl still visit my blog...haha!! Basically I have nothing much to update or write on my blog also. Studies is as shit as ever, work is still as slack, life is still so boring, and my girlfriend is still as loving. I thought life wil be much slacker after the World Cup, oh man I was wrong... After the World Cup, I still have so many FOC stuff to do!! Now I'll rather work, at least I'm earning some income.

Bought 2 hamsters recently for my girlfriend on her birthday. Actually not very recent, but due to the fact that I didn't update, so it is 'recent'. Still can't come up with a name for them because we still can't tell the gender of them. You may be thinking that I'm stupid or what, so long already still dunno that, however, that's because they are damn bloody fast!! Supposed to be the fastest breed of hamster. I tried feeding them with food, thinking that when they grow fatter they will be easier to catch, oh well.... let's just say they need to grow even FATTER.

I wonder when is my pay coming. Supposed to have earned quite a bit since working for so long. If it is still not coming soon, I'll have to stat eating my hamsters' food or start chewing on grass soon. WHEN IS MY PAY COMING?!?!?!? Urgh~

Shall post some pictures soon...

'Cause you don't need nobody to make it on your own, you dont need nobody you'd rather be alone. So Jimmy gets high tonight. And Jimmy gets high tonight... (quoted from the song Jimmy gets high by Daniel Powter)

2006-06-05T10:22:00.000+08:00

Work work...

Being working for the past 4 days at the PC Show 2006 at Suntec as a promoter for Viewsonic. Because of this, I even have to miss my CAC FOC seniors camp. However, it has really been quite an experience. In case you dunno what Viewsonic is about, it is actually a very popular brand for LCD monitors. If you haven't heard about it, it probably means you haven't been visiting Sim Lim Square.

This is the first time I'm working as a promotor, and selling LCD monitors. I have to admit, before this, I know nuts about monitors...haha. Wonder how I can still convince ppl to buy from me. It is a very tiring job, having to stand from 11 to around 9 for the past 4 days and to persuade customers to buy from you. What to do... commission based lei, need to talk more if you want to earn more. I've practically lost my voice for competing with the speakers from Nokia and JVC booth.

Overall, I'm still a happy man, managed to earn close to $600 for the show and even earn myself a 512 megabyte thumbdrive for selling more than 30 monitors on the last day as an incentive from my boss. I even made a few friends, fellow promoters and customers. The smile and big thank you from the customers whenever I close a sell always makes me happy. It gives you a sense of satisfaction and wanting to sell more and help more ppl. I still remember one of my customers telling me that I'm a very good salesmen by being able to convince him within 3 minutes and when he dun even feel like getting a LCD monitor for himself in the first place. Hehe, in the end, he bought 2 from me. Interesting man, interesting job.

It seems this boy bathed in ridicule. Too forward, way too physical. It's time that I had another. I'm always wanting more, if there's another one Give me some more, I'll have another one... (quoted from the song This boy by Franz Ferdinand)

2006-05-27T17:14:00.000+08:00

Updates...

Haven't been blogging for quite sometime... looks like its time I write something. It has seemed like eternity, but only 2 months had passed since I got together with my dera. Yesterday was our 2nd month anniversary, but we spend our time working at Singapore Pools. How off! The first month also very off because my exams haven't end then. Sianz...

Anyway, been busy working and doing FOC stuff lately. The rest of my time is spent with my dera. So you guys can tell how busy I am and why I haven't been blogging lately huh.... haha. I really can't believe my luck this year. Good things have been coming my way. Been winning money from mahjong, getting myself out of many shit, been fit and healthy, and most importantly, found myself a wonderful gal! Until now I still can't believe my luck... hehe. Probably God is finally taking pity of me after giving me bad luck for the past 7 or 8 years. Hmm... must go temple and offer incense soon.

小星星亮晶晶闪在你的眼睛里
从此投入我的心呼风又唤雨
我愿意好愿意双手奉上我自己
单身夜里找到你再也不离去
爱是我爱是你爱是肯定句
OH~谁也不能阻挡我永远守护你
日出日落黑夜白昼时时刻刻拥在怀中
清清楚楚这感动分秒可以成永久
我望着你你看着我有句话我想对你说
今生今世跟着我做你幸福的理由嫁给我
(quoted from the song 嫁给我 by 杜德伟)

2006-05-11T11:12:00.000+08:00

Home...

Suddenly, lightning strike,
the inevitable has come.
The umbrella is ready,
but it may yet prove to be useless.
It can't cover completely,
and it can't provide enough warmth.
There's simply no other way,
when you go out in this state.
For the safest place,
is none other than home.
But there's only so much it can provide,
there's still many things waiting for you out there.
He'll be waiting there at the doorstep,
worrying and praying for the rain to stop.
Yet there's nothing he can do,
admist the reluctance and selfishness.

Home sweet home.

Maybe surrounded by a million people. I still feel all alone. I just wanna go home. Oh I miss you, you know... (quoted from the song Home by Michael Buble)

2006-04-30T03:41:00.000+08:00

Toad...

Croak, croak, croak...
Swimming here and there.
Wall, wall, wall...
The only thing I see.
Wait, wait, wait...
Praying for food to come.
Stare, stare, stare...
Out at the bright blue sky.
Bored, bored, bored...
Tired of my life.
Wonder, wonder, wonder...
How's life in the world out there.
Hope, hope, hope...
Waiting for a chance.
Jump, jump, jump...
Out of this humdrum place.

长马褂白围巾 徐志摩看的星星
这夜色有点张爱玲 冷空气暖着心
一直想告诉你 我有多么的爱你
只是春天过了夏天 因为你懂了幸福多安静
(quoted from the song 张爱玲 by 品冠)

2006-04-21T06:55:00.000+08:00

Limit...

Bloody irritated.
Hate to be compared with other people.
Sore throat is killing me.
Stressed to the core.
Disappointed by the insensitivity of people around me.
Troubled by new problems arising.

Do you realise?
Do you understand??

Please come now I think I'm falling. I'm holding to all I think is safe. It seems I found the road to nowhere and I'm trying to escape. I yelled back when I heard thunder, but I'm down to one last breath... (quoted from the song One last breath by Creed)

2006-04-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

Imperfection...

Been feeling like shit recently, especially after the Maths paper yesterday. I was just sitting inside the exam hall, waiting for time to pass. Had wanted to write something, but I couldn't even think of anything to write. I'm ashamed to even think about the fact that I'm supposed to have studied for the subject in this semester. What the fuck am I doing seriously. I've been doing anything but studying. I'm expecting my grades this semester to be a lot worse than last sem. Great, suddenly I felt like an idiot. I've disappointed my parents yet again. ARGH!

I'm absolutely disgusted by my inability to deliver the goods when the time calls for it. I'm such a disappointment. I've never felt so pressured before in my life. This pressure to perform is driving me crazy. Not just the exams, but EVERYTHING!! Even after my exams, the tasks waiting for me to complete are making me sick. Why do I land myself in so much shit?? Please dun expect me to give and deliver too much, for I'm doubting my ability now.

I'm not good enough.

I feel I've been beaten down by the words of men who have no grounds. I can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom when your ax has cut the roots that feed them. Forked tongues in bitter mouths can drive a man to bleed from inside out... (quoted from the song What if by Creed)

2006-04-16T21:31:00.000+08:00

Trust...

How honest can a person be? Everyone has a secret to hide, especially to their close ones. Mistrust causes misunderstanding and unnecessary conflicts. Flipping through the effective communication textbook, I learn about the various means of communications and how to identify and solve problems. Things such as misconceptions, perceptions, verbal and non-verbal communications etc. Well, not that I don't know anything abt these, but I've gained more knowledge by reading the textbook (erm... actually I dun have a choice cause the test is tmr). Being tactful in speeches and showing the right body language is essential, but I believe that being truthful to one another is even more important. Imagine how a person will feel upon knowing that he/she is cheated, especially by the ones most trusted. This kind of conflict is probably the hardest to resolve. I've always thought that I'm very sharp and sensitive to ppl's feelings, being able to identify and spot the lies between the lines and understand how they are feeling. Reading through the book simply validate and reinstate my point. There are some points which I'm not too sure though, made me questioned my judgement and perceptions. Oh well, I hope I'm right...

Never thought we'd be here, when my love for you was blind. But I couldn't make you see it, couldn't make you see it, that I loved you more than you'll ever know... (quoted from the song Blind by Lifehouse)

2006-04-09T16:03:00.000+08:00

Not alone anymore...

Perhaps I'm really not used to this, suddenly I'm not alone anymore. Haha... I'm not complaining, just feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I'm such a lucky bastard. Wahahaha!

Kelly & me...

erm... Kelly & me again...

well... still Kelly & me...

不要你什么只要你记得
谁曾是你最依偎的那个
那个人是我也许走远了
为了看你多一次微笑我什么都舍得
(quoted from the song 什么都舍得 by 戴佩妮)

2006-04-04T23:44:00.000+08:00

Nowhere to stay...

Here I am again, shall bore ppl with my stupid posting. Even though I've got so many points, I still can't find a good place to stay!!?! How sad... I'm a man of principle, no matter how other ppl play bastard, I'll not be like them. I really dun wan to spoil any friendship. Oh well, seems like so many points also no use. What a waste of time and effort... sigh~ Is there no other alternatives??

And if you have a minute why don't we go? Talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go, somewhere only we know... (quoted from the song Somewhere only we know by Keane)

2006-03-31T18:24:00.000+08:00

Milestone...

This is officially my 100th entry. I've got nothing much to blog about. Just comtemplating on whether to carry on blogging. I started blogging last September. It has been 6 months since. Wrote a lot of crap, a lot of my own opinions and thoughts, some of which even cause ppl to heart boil. Haha... Oh well, I dunno. Exams are near, no time to blog also. We shall see...

I used to think that I'm a very creative person. As in I'm able to use different analogy to illustrate my points and is able to compose interesting post. However, recently I realised that I'm not as creative as I thought to be. In fact, I'm a freaking boring person! When I look back at what I've been doing for the past 21 years, I realised that I haven't been doing anything exciting in my whole life. I seriously need to get a life!! Time to spice up my life...

It's my life. And it's now or never. I ain't gonna live forever. I just want to live while I'm alive... (quoted from the song It's my life by Bon Jovi)

2006-03-29T10:37:00.000+08:00

KO...

"Ding!" the match had started. 10 seconds into the match and a killer blow was delivered. There's so much power and venom in that punch that it was enough to knock me out. So swift, I could do nothing to avoid it. I was knocked out even before the first round was finished. What a waste... After vying so hard to gain the right to challenge the opponent, with so much preparations, sweat and blood, it ended before I could even put up a good fight. LOSER. The confidence is shattered. Not good enough. I need more training. Maybe I should just retire.

Will there ever be a chance for a rematch? I wonder...

Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say. I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way... (quoted from the song I'm not okay (I promise) by My Chemical Romance)

2006-03-26T22:47:00.000+08:00

A special day...

Shall remember this day.
326.
3 times 2 equals to 6!
So easy... haha!
I'm going crazy.
Ignore me...

用暖意领我飞扬闪开忧郁
你给我随时被守护那种安心
在一起经历越多会越亲密
(quoted from the song 最近 by 张韶涵)

2006-03-24T23:13:00.000+08:00

Oh well...

Is it just me?
I dunno.
I hope I din cross the line.
I can't really see the line, but I think it is there...
Am I wrong?
Hmm...
Respect is the word.

I've fallen.
Everything is just you, you, you & you...

Cause I am hanging on every word you say and even if you don't want to speak tonight, that's alright, alright with me. Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing. Is where I wanna be... (quoted from the song Breathing by Lifehouse)

2006-03-22T03:12:00.000+08:00

Yours truly...

Everyday, everything, everytime,
you are the only one that fills my mind.
Every meal, every session, everywhere,
I ask you along be it rain or shine.
I've never turned you down, never made you frown,
only giving you the best I can ever find.
I can sing a thousand songs, walk a million miles,
just for a chance to see you smile.
No one ever come closer than this,
making me feel so high and at ease.
Every word that's said, everything that's done,
comes from the bottom of my heart.
I've never meant to hurt, and never lied to you,
all my actions and words are real.
Your presence mean the world to me,
giving me warmth and peace within.
Yet I may not be the best person you are looking for,
nor can I give you everything that you wish for,
but this I can promise you,
a sincere heart that will never fade, one that's forever yours to keep...

我想就这样牵着妳的手不放开
爱能不能够永远单纯没有悲哀
我想带妳骑单车我想和妳看棒球
心意想这样没担忧唱着歌一直走
(quoted from the song 简单爱 by 周杰伦)

2006-03-21T15:39:00.000+08:00

Nothing...

For the first time, I'm actually feeling like this. I wonder what happened. I shdn't be feeling this, it shd have been the opposite. Perhaps it is a mix of disappointment and helplessness that causes it. I suppose I'm asking for too much. I've got no rights in the first place. There's like an invisible wall that prevents me from doing what I want. Or perhaps... this isn't what I expected in the first place. I'm simply too used to certain things.

Another thing that I realised is that I'm really not in the position to do or say certain things. I discovered that recently, and was reminded again yesterday. Some things are not meant to be known to others; some words are only meant to be siad to somebody; some things shd only be done for somebody; and sometimes, you dun have to worry so much for someone. There's a line that distinguishes the right person, right place, and the right time. Better to know my own limits. I've received enough reminders and clues to know that things ain't what it seems. I care too much abt perfection and fear the outcome. Haha... take it easy dude~. Nothing is for sure. Things changes.

Anyway, celebrated Patrick's 23rd birthday on Sunday with the "brothers". Established since 10 years ago and still going strong. These are the bunch of ppl who been thru all the shit, fun, work and studies with me...haha. Had lunch at Lei Garden, followed by shopping around Bugis. It has been ages since I last shopped for clothes. Ended the celebration with a birthday cake which we consumed in Mac. It is always fun gg out with these guys. When you put a bunch of crappers of different style together, you'll get a basket full of crap, free style! Haha! Come on guys, let's meet up more often after exams!

我不敢要求那会是一个什么样的故事
看着你的眼幸福的感觉希望你的出现可以永远
爱最好不要停摆就算是一阵风也要让它飘进我的心中
爱最好不要停摆就算是一场梦一直睡没有醒来的时候
(quoted from the song 爱不要停摆 by 张震岳)

2006-03-19T01:49:00.000+08:00

Boggle or boogle?

The highlights of the hall dinner that we had wasn't the various performances that was put on stage. In my opinion, most of them were really bad. The highlights were actually the awards and medals presentation and the hall video. After waiting for so long, I thought I can finally lay my hands on the gold medal that the boggle team won. However, there's some error in printing and we can only receive the medal at a later date. "Boggle" is spelled as "boogle" on the medal, as if it is some 'nose shit' competition that we won. Urgh~.

The hall video was actually very good. It paid tribute to the JCRCs and the hall players who managed to help hall 3 win the overall champion. It also showed the various hall events that took place and the strong bonds that is fostered by the hall threeians from all these events and competitions. It is very much like a walk down memory lane, slowly looking back at all the things, the sweat and hardwork that was contributed that made everything a success. Really quite touching. Reminded me of the many hours spent training and planning. Come to think of it, as I'm a social sub commer, and is in choir and drama, I'm actually involved in almost all of the events organised. Really touched my heart and disturbed my mind when I saw the clip. Wow... I'm actually so involved in hall activities! No wonder my grades are like shit. Damn.

The clip is still not perfect though. It touched on all the sports and recreational games except for boggle. As for the activities, it missed out on Special Production also. Sigh~. To think the boggle team actually trained so hard for so many nights, from 8pm to 2-3am for 3 nights a week, and even won the gold medal during Hall Olympia. Seems like no one really bothers abt boggle. See... spell also spell wrongly. KNS. This brings me to an interesting point. Do I still want to join boggle next year?

So am I still waiting, for this world to stop hating? Can't find a good reason, can't find hope to believe... (quoted from the song Still waiting by Sum 41)

2006-03-16T02:13:00.000+08:00

Like a stone...

I guess I'm really getting real numb. Used to be very sensitive to things happening and ppl's feelings, but now... sigh~. Used to be able to write poetic stuff and is very expressive of myself, but now nothing seems to come to my mind at all even though I really want to write something. I just can't piece my words together, dunno why. It seems so difficult for me to produce anything nowadays. Has my creativity runs dry? Or am I losing all my senses? I can't write anything that may give the wrong idea also. Perhaps it's time I stop blogging. Reaching my 100th entry soon. It might be a gd idea to stop my pen there. As promised to someone, I'll write something special before I 'retire'.

See the truth all around. Our faith can be broken and our hands can be bound. But open our hearts and fill up the emptiness, with nothing to stop us. Is it not worth the risk?... (quoted from the song Our lives by the calling)

2006-03-15T04:55:00.000+08:00

A nice song...

需要一点勇气来对你说对不起
他一直在你的心中我还爱上你
知道这样不行偏偏继续下去
怎么会有结果是我想太多
没有方向看不清楚在徘徊
我知道我一定走不开
漫长的路寂寞的夜在心里面哭泣的夜
你明白吗只想在你的身边
我没有勇气没有力气真的无法离你而去
你明白吗只想在你的身边你身边说爱你
需要一点勇气来面对现在的心情
也许时间依旧很快就忘记
知道这样不行偏偏继续下去
怎么会有结果是我想太多
没有方向看不清楚在徘徊
我知道我一定走不开
漫长的路寂寞的夜在心里面哭泣的夜
你明白吗只想在你的身边
我没有勇气没有力气真的无法离你而去
你明白吗只想在你的身边
漫长的路寂寞的夜在心里面哭泣的夜
你明白吗只想在你的身边
我没有勇气我没有力气我真的无法离你而去
你明白吗只想在你的身边你的身边说爱你

(quoted from the song 勇气 by 张震岳)

2006-03-13T13:22:00.000+08:00

Emotional intelligence quotient...

Your EQ is

133
50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Really??

Find somebody to learn, boy you gotta love someone more than yourself. I can feel the fire of the city lights burn. It's hard to find angels in hell... (quoted from the song City of devils by Yellowcard)

2006-03-11T00:52:00.001+08:00

Zealot...

Dunno since when, I'm starting to care too much. Hmm... and I thought I'm the most heck care person around, never bothered by most of the things happening around. Reminded me of my days in army. Almost being condemned in army for being insensitive. Well, it is not that I dun give any welfare, but I just dun really want to bend the rules too much and create unnecessary troubles for myself. Haha, but I dun think they understand anyway, for I'm always one of the 2 playing the "bad guy". Even when I give them any welfare, they'll think that it is from the other specialist. It doesn't matter anyway, I'm out of that place.

Why do I care so much then? People are old enough to take care of themselves. They are clever enough to come and ask for help if they need it. I should really stop being a busybody. It is not like I'm their guardian or whatever. I'm just a friend. I really shouldn't be doing things outside what a normal friend should do. This excessive concern over other people can be quite irritating. Urgh!~ Too much of something is always not good. The right amount will do. Obsession kills.

As much as I think I'm still the same old me, I realised that I've changed. Especially so when I was reading my previous postings. It is interesting to note the changes to me over the past 6 months. Confidence, attitude, ideology. Probably due to staying in hall and some interesting ppl. It's getting better.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go. It gets hard but it won't take away my love. And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done. It gets hard but it won't take away my love... (quoted from the song Here without you by 3 Doors Down)

2006-03-08T18:12:00.000+08:00

The importance of finding a scapegoat...

Why should a person find a scapegoat? There are a number of reasons for doing so after I carefully thought about it...
1. You can attribute all the faults to another person while playing innocent.
2. Able to gain sympathy from people around you, especially when you are a good story teller.
3. Can help to save face, providing an excuse for yourself in the event you find it embarrassing to face certain issues.
4. Make yourself look good and noble, for you are strong enough to face everything admist all the mishaps.

Isn't that amazing? There's actually benefits from doing something unethical. Disgusting. However, that's the sad truth. We are always finding something to blame for anything bad that has happened around us. When you are late for lesson, do you put the blame on yourself? Or do you actually blame the alarm clock, the bus driver, your roomie, the heavy amount of work you have to rush last night... etc?? Haha... people always want to make themselves feel good. By shifting the blame to someone/something else, it actually make them less guilty. Self denial isn't always the best method to resolve problems. You need to really face the issue and accept that it is your own wrong doings sometimes. If not, you will never learn anything from it. I used to think that one can't be penalised for not knowing, however, I realised that if you dunno certain things that you are supposed to know, it may prove to be even more fatal. Like what I learnt from army, "assume only make an ass out of u and me". When you say it to someone, it usually refer to that particular person. The "me" comes about because of the repercussions from the wrong assumption. In other words, you are dragging innocent parties down with you. Better to get things right and find out what's right by yourself because you'll never know how accurate your sources are. When you try to copy answer from your fren and that answer is wrong, You shd blame yourself for not knowing the answer in the first place, not that you have copied from the wrong person or that the question is too difficult. No one shd be telling you the correct answer anyway, you are supposed to find out yourself by studying. Haha... how many people have be doing the right way? To learn from your own mistakes and do some soul searching? There are bound to be some dumbass who choose the easier option either because of ignorance or pure stupidity.

Do you happen to be one of them? How do you think the scapegoat will feel? Think about it.

Life can be so cruel, doesn't it astound you? So when nothing seems too certain or safe, let it burn through you... (quoted from the song Run baby run by Garbage)

2006-03-07T12:44:00.000+08:00

ELITE...

Most ppl are shocked when I told them I'm not a good cyclist, I dunno why. However, that's the truth!! I only picked up cycling last April, when I went Pulau Ubin with my army frens. Not exactly the best place to learn how to cycle because of the bumpy terrain, but my cycling skill did managed to improve quite a lot I think..haha. The second time I cycled was last Friday. Guess what? 2nd attempt only and I'm cycling on the roads. Took part in the night cycling event, ELITE, organised by my hall. Had a very shaky start, took a while for me to get accostumed to riding bicycle again. So bad that I thought there was something wrong with the bike. Haha, actually it was just me. Fall out not too long after riding out from NTU. Deniece was very nice to let me sit in the vehicle while she helped me test the bike. Sitting in the vehicle was very different from riding the bike. It was damn boring!! I wonder how the 4 gals sitting at the back managed to endure and survive the whole trip....haha.

After we finish resting at the first checkpoint, I told deniece that I wanted to carry on riding. Zheng Guo was another kind soul. He let me use his bike which was very easy to handle, no need to change the gear at all. Seriously, I dunno how the gear thingy function. I think it is a combination of getting the hang of it and that the bike was good, I dun have any problem after that, and we cycled all the way from West Coast to Lau Pa SA, to Cosy Bay, and then to East Coast. Cycled from 12am to 6am, cycle until balls pain. Damn.

It had been quite an enjoyable ride. Met some interesting and nice ppl, gained a good experience riding at night, and I think my cycling skill went up one notch. However, it could have been better if not for the hiccup at the beginning. Supposed to start at 9pm, but in the end, we only leave at 12am. 3 hours delay!! Wait until damn bored and sleepy. Luckily someone brought cards, at least got some form of entertainment. Managed to maintain my 100% winning streak for bridge also.. haha! Hmm... maybe I should join bridge IHG next year. I also realised that cycle is actually quite fun. Shall go cycling one of these days.

"Cards group"...

First stop, MacDonalds at West coast...

Group D/E, just before we left Mac...

Yummy King!! Hah.. the dessert stall auntie shd put this pic at her stall, sure attract customers!!

All feeling shagged at Cosy Bay...

At the bridge before the last leg...

That's the start, the middle, and the end. Aren't you glad the universe pretends if I don't get this message home. Once again I'm gonna head along. Ride with me... (quoted from the song Ride by The Vines)

2006-03-04T20:27:00.000+08:00

Impression...

No matter what you do, no matter where you go, you'll hear about the importance of having a good first impression. A good first impression certainly score points and aids you in possible future meetings. It gives you an edge over others whom a person thinks more lowly. However, is it right to judge a person based on just the first impression? I dun think so. In fact, one shd never judge another person or even scold another person unless one knows the person very well or fully understand the whole situation. There's always 2 side to a coin. Never make any judgement or conclusion unless you've heard or knew about the full picture from both sides. How often has misunderstandings and conflicts result from miscommunications and misinterpretations? Have we ever sat down to find out the truth from both sides before taking any stand? Usually that's not the case. People only like to hear what they want to hear. Impression is formed from the moment a sentence is made. No one cares about why the statement is made, how it is made, whom it is addressing, the person's feeling when forming the sentence and the reason for making that statement. Reminded me so much of the subject Understanding Chinese Cinema. Like what the lecturer says, there's no right or wrong, it is a matter of how you perceive things, of course, there must be reasons to support your stand. How interesting. The moment a sentence is formed, usually the first thing that comes to ppl mind is that whether the person is refering to himself/herself. The person will always think of the worst possible scenerio. Take for instance, when i type "enough already", will you be thinking that I'm saying I've had enough of someone? Or that something is already full, no need for anymore? It could mean a lot more things, however, most ppl will think that it is the former. Hmm... it might be due to the fact that most ppl have low self esteem, so they'll usually think of the bad things first?? Oh well, as such, I decided to not be bothered too much by such things and will go and ask the person myself what he/she meant exactly. Better to clear any doubts then to let your thoughts run wild. Assumptions may only make things worse. Either that, or just dun care about the whole thing. Ignorance is bliss. Somethings are better left unknown. One can't be faulted for not knowing.

I must say, I'm no saint myself. I've made lots mistakes in my life, and I'm not as pure and good as I thought I am. However, everyone makes mistakes. Therefore, one shd learn to be more forgiving, understanding, and to constantly do some self reflections. And remember, there's ALWAYS 2 sides to a story. I've learnt that to save yourself from looking like a fool or feel guilty about wronging anyone, it is always good to get your facts right before making any judgement, if not, you might misunderstand another person, and possibly risk losing a fren.

Everybody's got their problems. Everybody says the same thing to you. It's just a matter how you solve them. And knowing how to change the things you've been through... (quoted from the song The hell song by Sum 41)

2006-03-02T22:35:00.000+08:00

Dare...

I was getting real sick and tired of my life. Needed some excitement, some adrenaline rush to get me hyped up. Been slacking and wasting my life away recently till I found something worth my dedication. I had been feeling quite hollow for a while. I thought I'm really losing all my senses. All the activities that kept me busy doesn't captivate me enough. However, some dramatic change of events made me realised that I'm human afterall, the heart doesn't just keeps me alive, it also keeps me awake. Set me thinking through the many nights about what I really want. I tried to find myself a reason, but seriously, do I really need to have a reason? It was kinda unexplained. The past one month has witnessed the most volatile mood swing I've ever had. Haha.. some of my frens thought I'm gonna die of depression in one stage. Well, I got over it, and I thank my frens for trying to cheer me up. Really appreciate it. I believe I got stronger both emotionally and mentally. Suddenly found the motivation and nerve to do things which most ppl wouldn't dare to do. Perhaps a side of me had always been wanting to come out, and I never realise it until then. Sometimes I dun even understand myself. Too much reserves were holding me back in the past. Always tied down by my own conservations and rules. There's a fine line between being stubborn and being a blockhead. There's also a difference between pure arrogance and over confidence. How much sacrifice will you be willing to make for that unattainable dream of yours? What is the threshold tolerance of a man? And how do you actually measure a man?

I'm still trying to figure out...

You've got to press it on you. You just think it. That's what you do, baby. Hold it down, DARE... (quoted from the song Dare by Gorillaz)

2006-03-01T00:02:00.000+08:00

Dress to kill??

Not for the first time, someone is surprised when I dress a bit more formal. Seems like my image is fixed. I'm supposed to dress sloppily. People only recognise me when I dress like I'm going to the market. Not that I dun have clothes ok~, just that I dun see a need to actually dress up. I got kinda annoyed when someone asked me if the shirt I'm wearing belongs to me or my roommate. Duh~, the shirt is MINE!! And I've got a lot more, just that I dun wear them to school or to classes. I'm not so poor such that I can't even afford to buy clothes to wear ok~. I'm studying engineering, my school is not NBS, so I dun have to go on a fashion parade everyday. I'm too lazy anyway.

Well, I still remember that ppl from my hall dun even recognises me. Other than those from my OG, almost all of them asked me if I attended OC or D&D. Erm... of cos I did. I was even on stage. Apparently, they din know that I was one of the performers...haha. Even fellow performer also can't recognise me... haiz. Do I really look very different? Hmm...

I was quite reluctant to go today actually, but since I got the green light from someone, well, just give it a try and see how. I figured that they'll probably teach me how to groom and present myself if I got in. Meaning that I'll have to change my style. Hmm... it'll be quite an experience though, but I dunno if I'll be able to commit. Shall see what happens next before I think about my next course of action.

You can look, but you can't touch. I don't think I like you much. Heaven knows what a girl can do, heaven knows what you've got to prove. I think I'm paranoid and complicated. I think I'm paranoid. Manipulate it... (quoted from the song I think I'm paranoid by Garbage)

2006-02-27T11:52:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer...

Every entry that is posted here are purely my thoughts and composed by me unless otherwise stated. Somethings are fictional, however most other things are true, to me at least. I do not have any intention to offend anyone. Furthermore, this is MY blog, so I write whatever I want. I hereby apologise to anyone who is hurt by my comments or thoughts. This blog is a venue for me to express myself, not to please the crowd, thus I may not be so tactful in my writings. Sometimes, I may even seem very arrogant and proud. For your viewing pleasure, just read for fun and dun take my comments too seriously.

Sometimes, I really hate my guts, however, it takes MORE than just courage to do certain things. Perhaps it is because of this 敢爱敢恨 attitude, I dun care about other things and ppl's feeling, much to the dismay and surprise of many ppl. I've never doubt my sense of judgement and taste and I've never set any standards for myself. I do what I deem fit.

Perhaps... it is me who need to know my stand.

为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空
随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落
慢慢远离的梦
渐渐冷却冰封
心痛都当初相遇的心动
(quoted from the song 心动心痛 by 刘畊宏许慧欣)

2006-02-26T15:21:00.000+08:00

Scandalous...

Somethings are not meant to be done without careful considerations of the consequences. If not, it may cause undue stress and worries to another party. Knowing my roomie, I know that it is almost impossible that anything can happen. Furthermore, he already has someone in mind. All I can say is, she has A LOT of work to do.

It is interesting to note that if you are still single, there will be rumours and scandals circulating around you. Almost anything can spark a fire. The wind will then spread the fire at hurricane pace, leaving you shell shock before you can even do anything. There's really no point in trying to put out the fire. Might only get yourself burnt in the process, rather than saving yourself.

Seriously speaking, I do not know exactly where I stand also. I'll like to think that I'm talented in many areas, but seems like that is not true. Haha... the truth hurts. That's probably the reason why I'm always quite indecisive and reluntant to take a proactive role. So many things to worry about, so many things to be concerned with. I'll rather be on the receiving end.

I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold. See inside, inside of our heads (yeah). Well now that's over, I see your motives inside, decisions to hide... (quoted from the song Headstrong from Trapt)

2006-02-24T15:56:00.000+08:00

Reflections...

Usually I think I'm quite a gentleman, I treat most of my friends equally good and never flare up in front of them. I limit my use of vulgarities in front of gals and even gave them flowers on V'day. I dun think I've made many ppl angry before. I always try to play by the rules. I even give up my seat on buses and trains to elders and pregnant woman! I do know that I dun always have to be the nice guy. However when I show attitude, ppl say I'm anti-social or distant. Nice guy = no character = boring?? Or bad guy = attitude = unfriendly?? Hmm... dunno.

I do realise that I do not have to be too nice to any particular person, especially when that person treat you as a normal fren only. Like what a fren said, " if a person likes you, no matter what you do, that person will also like it, the same applies otherwise". Therefore, there's really no point in trying too hard to please someone. Somethings just can't be forced. Let nature takes its course. I think trying too hard may also irritate a person. It might cause the person to feel guilty of what you have done rather than appreciate your effort. As such, I've decided to not do anything drastic anymore after this. I suppose that's the way she likes it.

Somethings ain't what it seems. The water may look calm on the surface, but one can never tell what lies beneath. Therefore, it is almost impossible to find out certain things by looking at its cover. Although I may give an uninterested look, I may be just concealing my feelings...haha! Courtyard 3 everyday!

With pride, honour, truth, sincerity and love, 24/02/2006, Friday, 1700hrs

To the love I left my conscience pressed, between the pages of the Bible in the drawer. “What did it ever do for me," I say. It never calls me when I'm down. Love never wanted me... (quoted from the song XO by Fall Out Boys)

2006-02-21T18:29:00.000+08:00

Simplicity in complexity...

The pouring rain will stop eventually. The burning flames will be extinguished in a matter of time. The battery life will run out after a while. The flowers will wither soon after it is plucked even when you try to prolong its life. All that glitter does not glow. Nothing last forever. The heart is a powerful generator, constantly pumping and providing the fuel to keep one going and to sustain one's interest. This is where I draw my energy from. My heart overrules my mind most of the time. Perhaps that's the reason why sometimes I'm very stubborn and irrational. I do know certain things, I'm not that dumb afterall. Some things do not need to be said so many times, as long as you mean what you say, once is enough. In spite of the things ppl are telling me, my stand is still firm. The fact that I closed all other options around me only served to make me more focused. I'm sorry if I refuse to take any hints or be a bit distant as I'm worried that I'll be transmitting the wrong idea to anyone. I'm really not in the mood to do anything at the moment also. Therefore, please pardon my insensitivity and forgive me for being indifferent and overly lethagic. The mind is very complex, there's an infinite number of ways ppl can think for certain things. I hate mind games. Assumptions only make matters worse. That's the reason why I decided not to think anymore. Just follow my heart. I do not know when this feeling will ever die, well at least I'm enjoying it, even if it is ephemeral. Haha... Things will not always go your way, just do whatever you like and enjoy the process!~ Dun have to think so much.

好旧好旧外面的灰尘包围了我
好暗好暗铁盒的钥匙我找不到
放在糖果旁的是我很想回忆的甜
然而过滤了你和我沦落而成美
沉在盒子里的是你给我的快乐
我很想记得可是我记不得
(quoted from the song 半岛铁盒 by 周杰伦)

2006-02-19T14:19:00.000+08:00

Dear Blog...

No one else understands me better than you do. You have provided me with the space and "ears" to express how I feel. You have been an excellent confidant, and I know that my secrets wun be leaked out unless I choose to. However, there's only as much you can do. I still need someone who can commute with me, laugh with me, and to agree with me. So many things I have wanted to pen down, but I dunno how and where to start. I'm starting to feel the pressure again. The rat race has started long ago. If I dun start to panic and do something abt it now, I'll never be able to catch up. The term "play hard, study smart" doesn't seem to apply to me anymore. I have to "play hard, study smart AND HARD".

Stupid horoscope says that cancerians make great artists and performers because they are very emotional and complex. Perhaps I shd just go take part in some singing or acting competition and have a shot at stardom. Then dun have to study so hard anymore. HAHA, like so easy like that. Come on Jared, wake up your freaking idea!!

There's another Chinese saying, 红颜祸水, which means women are nothing but trouble. Can't say that i agree totally. They do bring warm and laughter also. So, in spite of the headaches, heartaches, lack of sleep, loss of appetite and necessary worries, I'm asking for it. Hah! What an idiot...

Yours faithfully,
Stupid Awoken Fool
19th Feb 2006

最痴情的男人像海洋
爱在风暴里逞强
苦还是风平浪静的模样
卷起了依恋那么长
挥手目送你启航
到你觉得我给不了的天堂
(quoted from the song 男人.海洋 by 周传雄)

2006-02-18T02:05:00.000+08:00

Meritocracy...

Most people are judged by their ability, achievement or performance, supposedly. Or at least that's what our nation is like. Almost everything is based on meritocracy. This is professed to be fair and at the same time single out the elites from the norm. At such, the good ones will always get the better ones, something which they "deserved". However, one has to note that opportunities and talent plays a crucial part also. Not everyone is given the same opportunities due to different background. This is a major flaw in the system but who gives a damn? In schools, students are judged by how well they do academically, not how talented they are. In the working society, people are judged by their certificants, not experience. In Singapore, people are working hard just to survive, there's no time for personal interest or pursuit at all. Seems like the only time is either when one is young, still being supported by parents, or when they are old, earned enough after retirement to truely enjoy themselves. Ain't that sad, the best times of our lives spent mugging and working away. How many times have I regretted at the fact I can't do architecture, a childhood ambition, as my result wasn't gd enuff. Does anyone ever appreciate my talent or creativity in designing? I hate streaming. Everything is based on grades. As much as I hate meritocracy, I do hope that it exist sometimes, especially in the area of sports and games. I'm appalled by the fact that ppl are getting recognition for frivilous stuffs. Some even got it because of connections. How fucked up can it get? 2 person doing the same thing and one obviously is the better than the other, yet the other one gets the credit. I'm absolutely overwrought. What is fair nowadays?

When i reminisce ignorance was bliss, back in the days where the magic exist, never be the same as it was, 'cuz the way it was, just another day in the maze of a myth. Had a lot of fun living life on the run, never had a chance to pause to get a better glance. Everything was free and everything was fast. Never even thought it wouldn't last... (quoted from the song Lonely world by Limp Bizkit)

2006-02-16T11:52:00.000+08:00

Fool's reservation...

There's only room for one and it has already been reserved.
I'm gutted, powerless, and yet I never felt more alive.
I dun give a damn abt what other ppl feel or think.
This is my choice.
Perhaps it is just wishful thinking on my part.
However, stupidity knows no bound.
I like being a fool even if that's the case.
No one else ever makes me feel so comfortable.
No one else managed to cheer me up so easily.
No one else had me made somethings by myself after so long.
No one else managed to wake me up from my eternal slumber.
No one else caused me so much heartache and agony.
No one else ever come closer than this.
No one else.
There's only one.

会不会有一点无奈
会不会有一点太快
可是你给我的爱
让我养成了依赖
心中充满爱的节拍
(quoted from the song 不得不爱 by 潘玮柏弦子)

2006-02-15T13:28:00.000+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day...

Valentine's Day. Probably one of the most overly commercialised and hyped event of the year. Take a walk around NTU or even the streets and you'll find vendors and students aggressively trying to promote their items. In hall, the D&D side are selling gifts, outside hall, my CAC side is selling flowers. Anything can be linked to V'day, even the food stall also sell some buns that comes in the shape of a heart and called it "lovers bun"!! Wahahaha!

V'day had been quite a busy day for me. Had to distribute flowers within campus and not forgetting that I had not studied for my quiz which was on the same day. As expected, I think I did badly for the quiz. Shit. Got lots of catching up to do during the recess week. Delivery of the flowers went quite smoothly, except that some locations are not easy to find. Last delivery within campus ended around 8. I was damn glad when it finally ceased. The FOC main commers had really committed their time and effort to make the whole canvassing a success, all the plannings and nights spent wrapping the stupid flowers. I truly respect all of you.
Flowers...
More stupid flowers...
Stupid bears with stupid flowers...

After the canvassing, I went KTV with Aimee, Kelly, Freddie and Junjie. Quite fun lah, seriously. Very long never vent my frustration already. Made used of the chance to scream and shout...haha. Really sang until no voice and suffered 'internal injuries'.

Kelly & me

Aimee & me

Fred, Aim, me and JJ

Even though the day had ended, apparantly the night was still young. Had a mahjong session with Aimee, Clement and Yongjie. Kelly shared with me. Seems like the lure of mahjong is too great, Clement and Yongjie got 830 lesson and Kelly got quiz the next day, however, they still wanted to play....haha. In the end, Kelly and me turned out to be the biggest winner, felt kinda bad asking them to play and win their money actually. Sorry manz. Wun be so lucky all the time..haha!

It had been an enjoyable day.

恋爱ING HAPPY ING
心情就像是坐上一台喷射机
恋爱ING 改变 ING
改变了黄昏黎明有你都心跳到不行
(quoted from the song 恋爱ING by 五月天)

2006-02-13T02:59:00.000+08:00

Better man...

I'm feeling much better. Cleared some misunderstanding with my co-head and restored some equilibrium. Played nice guy by giving flowers to all the ladies in the main com. I like to see the surprised look on their faces. I always like to give ppl surprises, haha, I think ppl thinks I'm unpredictable due to my mood swings. Although I din really do much wrapping towards the end, I tried to redeem myself by offering food and drinks from my room. See, I'm such a nice guy... haha!!

Day 1 of wrapping has passed, but we still failed to meet our objective of wrapping 200 bouquet of flowers. I'm really worried that we wun be able to finish wrapping. Touch wood. And once again, I'm disappointed with my sub commers. Only 1 representative yet again. There's a limit to one's tolerance and I think my limit is breaking. One more time, and I'll have to treat you 'fried cuttlefish'. What can I say abt the wrapping of flowers today? In short, it was boring, long and bloody cold. I wonder how they are gg to spend the night inside Siberia with no blanket and long pants. Inexperience and some cork up here and there significantly retard our progress. Hopefully, with more ppl coming to help out tmr and a bit of luck, we can finish wrapping up all the flowers. *Fingers crossed*

Wow, look at you now, flowers in the window. It's such a lovely day and i'm glad you feel the same, cause to stand up, out in the crowd, you are one in a million... (quoted from the song Flowers in the window from Travis)

2006-02-10T02:35:00.000+08:00

Rock solid...

It's that time of the year again. The time to scream and let it all out! It's been a long time since I feel like going K box. Usually I'll only feel like it on 2 occasions. 1 is when I'm feeling happy, the other is when I feel frustrated. The things happening around me are seriously enough to drive me crazy. The deliveries of the freaking flowers are constantly irking me. So little time, so much work. I do not wish to be known as the one who screwed the whole thing up (again). When is the recess week coming?? I really need it.

It has been a while since I listened to nice rock music, except the old ones which I already had. These so called 'noise' which many ppl perceived are music to my ears. I really kinda regretted not joining jam band last year. Not that I like to perform, but I missed out on a chance to rock the all hall down. No offence to the female leads that we had, but I think their songs are so slow and boring. Jam band became something like English version of 'ge yao'. What a waste of the electric guitars and drum sets! I've always like the feeling of screeching my voice and screaming at the top of my lungs to reach the high notes. The harder it is, the more satisfaction I get when I reach it. Choir is so different. Especially when you sing by parts, the tune sounds so weird. I think I'm gonna quit choir next year.

A few things to bitch about:
1. My back is breaking, perhaps a premonition that something is wrong with my spine? Just like my brother?
2. I'm losing weight, damn. Serious loss of appetite due to mood swing.
3. When my status on MSN is 'away', it means I'm AWAY, so dun msg me if u need to find me. I got this cute little thing call handphone in case you dunno. Btw, MSN sucks. I can't receive and send files and msges at times.
4. Take me out, I need some breathing room. My time is for ME, not YOU, unless you are someone special to me.
5. So hard to find meal khaki nowadays. Ppl around are either eating with their bf/gf, or that I've got a problem with them. I have to 'eat' myself.
6. What is professionalism and responsibility? They are the things holding me back, so that i wun quit FOC. It is really pointless for me. After all the slashing, I'll be left with virtually zero points.

Been taking photos for the year book, Aurora, lately. Here's a few photo. More coming up soon...

Hall 3 Soccer team. This is a good team, it's a pity we din go further than quarters...

Hall 3 JCRC Social Sect. Quite an OK bunch of ppl. The ironic thing is that I'm quite antisocial...haha. Check out Kellyn, Charlotte and Yanqi getting ready to push Luan Shuang to Cindy...hah

I scratch a living, it ain't easy, you know it's a drag. I'm always paying, never make it, but you can't look back. I wonder if I'll ever get to where I want to be... (quoted from the song Cash machine by Hard-Fi)

2006-02-08T13:49:00.000+08:00

Letter of apology...

I used to think that I've always been tactful and careful in all my dealings and actions. Obviously I'm not as sensitive as I thought I am. I forgot that there's this thing called comfort zone. A moment of madness almost caused me to lose something which was built up and established in over a few months. Well, I dunno what's gotten into me, but even an idiot will know that that was a wrong move. Checkmate. Great... so I'm worse than an idiot, urgh!~ Nonetheless, I'm really glad that I cleared the air. Everything becomes clear. I guess things will take sometime to recover, even though it might never recover to its original state. Still, I fully respect and understand your decision. I know that it is not abt finding out whose fault it is, but I'll always think that the fault lies in me, for it is me who jeopardise this friendship. Still frens ya?

A word the very least: sorry~

It's like I missed a shot, it's like I dropped the ball. (Damn I'm sorry) It's like I'm on stage, and I forgot the words. (Damn, I'm sorry) It's like building a new house, with no roof and no doors. (Damn, I'm sorry)... (quoted from the song Sorry 2004 by Ruben Studdard)

2006-02-06T16:25:00.000+08:00

Adaptation...

If you were to ask me 1 year ago who do I think my roomie will be when I enter university, Samuel will be one of the last names that appear on my list. Our personalities are so different! We probably din share much common interest either. The only things that I can think of is the english rock that I listened to and badminton. Actually, I'm sure that even now, people are surprised to know that he is actually my roomie.

In spite of all these differences, I'm surprised by how harmonious we managed to live together. He is able to tolerate my mood swings and I'm able to endure his directness. The other interesting thing is that we seem to have adapted to each other's style. He seems to have developed a liking for Chinese pop while I begin to enjoy club music. Nowadays, he even orders teh 'O' in coffeeshop together with me...haha. One thing I cannot adapt is probably the 'art' that was pinned on his board. I hope he doesn't spread his 'art' over the wall and my side of the board.

Although sometimes our thinking differs, it gives each other insights on how things can be viewed from different angles. Probably that's the reason why we complement each other so well. When he share his ideas and problems with me, I'm able to tell him how I feel. He'll also give me his advice when I have my own problems. He is also probably one of few ppl in hall who knows the real me...hah! Hmm... how interesting. Cats and dogs are able to live together in peace and harmony.

No one could ever know me. No one could ever see me. Seems your the only one who knows what's it's like to be me. Someone to face the day with. Make it through all the mess with. Someone I'll always laugh with. Even at my worst, I'm best with you... (quoted from the song I'll be there for you by The Rembrandts)

2006-02-05T14:17:00.000+08:00

Dramarama...

I declare last week as drama week for me. Had courtyard 2 rehearsal on Wed and the actual performance on Thurs. Courtyard 2 was a lot worse compared to Courtyard 1. There was little time to prepare and the directing was poor. Apart from the script which they provided and getting the actors to come down, I really couldn't see what the directors had done. Actually I can't really fault the directors of the first play, the one I acted in. As the title implied, "Oh, I found you! Happiness is in your hands!", it is the same concept as the TV show. The directors tried to keep it as close to the original as possible, so it was really quite easy for them. The actors had to do most of the work. Thinking abt how to portray ourselves and the lines that we were gg to say. It was quite impromtu. I'm just glad that the bunch of actors and actresses in the play are all 'famous' comedians, so naturally, the play was funny already. There was actually some cock up on the actual performance, and the flow wasn't really smooth. Still, it turned out quite fine. I'm just glad that it was finally over.

The second play was quite bad. Apart from the good acting by most of the actors, the play was too draggy and the scenes dun really link well. According to the actors, the directors also din direct the play well. The concept of the play was actually quite gd, can play around with many different ideas. Seems to me there's no orginality again. Perhaps I'm being too critical, I suppose they have done ther best. Overall, the whole thing was quite alrite lah. Free entertainment, what else can you expect? Haha...

Apart from the drama performance, things around me also became more dramatic. Somethings happened very fast. Too fast for my liking. I'm surprised at how the story had unfold to a stage like this. I'm lost. OMG, I've never done this before! ARGH!!

狼牙月伊人憔悴
我举杯饮尽了风雪
是谁打翻前世柜惹尘埃是非
(quoted from the song 发如雪 by Jay Chow)

2006-02-04T06:12:00.000+08:00

Wow...

I'm quite speechless. Wow. I can't believe what I did. Nonetheless, I feel A LOT more relieved now. Hah... Hopefully somebody dun get nightmare!~ Muahahahaha!!

乘着风游荡在蓝天边
一片云掉落在我面前
捏成你的形状随风跟着我
一口一口吃掉忧愁
(quoted from the song 星晴 by Jay Chow)

2006-02-02T15:00:00.000+08:00

India President...

Was kinda forced by my brother to attend the dialogue session with the President of India, AP J Abdul Kalam, this morning. I had to skip my lab in the morning to make sure I got changed and got to SBS on time. The thought of me attending make up lab turns me off. Nonetheless, we reached there at 11a.m. We then sat inside the auditorium and waited for the President to arrive. We waited for quite long, so long that by 1p.m., he still didn't arrive. I was so bored that I was falling asleep. Damn. If I had known that he's going to take so long, I would have come later and I wouldn't have to skip my bloody lab. Had to go for stupid make up on next wed which is supposed to be my free day...urgh~

After what seemed like infinity, the India President finally arrived. Either it was my lack of sleep or that I didn't really understand what he was talking abt, I struggled to keep myself awake throughout the whole dialogue! After the dialogue ended, my bro, his frens and myself were supposed to have a quick lunch before moving over to the research lab. We had buffet style North Indian food for lunch, however, the food had turned cold, so it tasted bad. I really couldn't think of anything good that had happened at all...haha. We had to rush our lunch as we had to reach the lab before the Indian Pres. In the end, we were too late, thus we dun have to carry on accompaning the Pres anymore.

In conclusion, although it is a privilege to be given a chance to come so close to the President of India, I felt that I've wasted more time actually. I missed my lab in the morning, my computing lecture and tutorial, half of my lunch and my sleep!! However, I can't blame my brother for that lah, cause I know he didn't forsee that also.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart... (quoted from the song The scientist by Coldplay)

2006-01-29T04:37:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

First of all, I'll like to wish everyone of u a very happy chinese new year!(mostly applicable to chinese only...haha) I've always like this festival because the hoiliday is long, I can collect "Ang Bao"s and there will be many goodies to be eaten!! It will also be a time for me to meet up with all my relatives. It has been a while since I last saw them. I wonder if my baby cousins can still recognise me..haha.

Spent my Friday night with my buddies at Wine Flair, a pub located somewhere near Thomson Plaza. The place was quite nice, got live music, big screen TV and a pool table, but too bad there's no matches on Friday and we din use the pool table at all. One thing I dun like abt the place is the strong smoking smell the moment I enter the place. Too bad there's no smoke free zone. Nonetheless, the 5 of us still stayed there till around 2a.m. before going to MacDonalds for supper. I haven't see the 5 of them since last year October, got lots of crap to talk abt. Steve is the same as usual, fascinating us with his exotic experiences these days, Patrick was love sick, needed some concern, Zhaoming is still the richest due to his air force job, and Zhongming doesn't seem that blur anymore and he seems very interested in Steve's stories...haha. In the end, we crapped till 4a.m. before Patrick drove us all home. Really enjoyed their company, kept my mind off something for a while.

Had to do some spring cleaning on Saturday. I was told to throw away my FYP of Sec 4 technical. NOOO!!! Over my dead body! I've spent 9 freaking months to complete it!! I can't bear to throw it away. I washed it till it looks clean and new again! I always feel proud of myself whenever I saw my artefact. Here's a glimsp of my FYP, CD rack:

Front view... still wet

View from the top

Interior design... check out the 'axis' which I made from the wood lathe machine

How it look like with CD

The handle that turn the 'wheel of fortune'

Drove to NTU with my brother in the evening to help bring some stuff over to hall. He's staying in hall 16, just beside my hall. Both of us haven't driven for quite sometime and we were super rusty...haha. Thank God it is an automatic car, if not we'll have more troubles with the vehicle. We took turns to drive, He drove to NTU and I drove back home. Haha, first time I drove on the expressway, at night somemore! Haha, quite a trilling experience. Back to the hall topic, I brought a freaking fridge that doesn't function properly to my room. Hopefully it will get cooler when the engine warmed up. I can't believe that the TV reception in my bro's room is so good. The image is damn clear! Urgh.. I think it is due to my location, can't do much abt it. Even his chair and pin up board is of nicer colour. His chair is red, while mine is dull brown. His board is light brown while mine is of darker shade. I prefer mine to be of brighter colour actually. Shucks!

恭喜啊恭喜发啊发大财
好运当头坏运呀永离开
恭喜呀大家万事都愉快
从今以后有福没悲哀
(quoted from the ChineseNew Year song 恭喜发财)

2006-01-27T03:55:00.000+08:00

Melting point...

No matter how much resistance is put up, the outcome is still the same. I've failed miserably. The armour and defence around the heart of the kingdom shattered and fall into pieces too easily. The shockwave wasn't really powerful or destructive, however, its impact was enough to dissolve any strong front and reinforcement that was put up or called upon. It was probably a waste of time, but I still think that it was a gd attempt. I almost succeeded. Once again, I'm enchanted. However, I'm ashamed at the same time.

Cause she's bittersweet, she knocks me off of my feet. And I can't help myself, I don't want anyone else. She's a mystery, she's too much for me, but I keep comin' back for more... (quoted from the song Just the girl by The Click Five)

2006-01-26T02:53:00.000+08:00

Jaded maverick...

I wonder what's so interesting abt who I like. I'm really quite sick of all the scandals circling around me. How am I saying the same old thing over and over again? Why dun anyone believe me? So what if I like this person? And so what if I've once like that person? I dun have to tell everyone who I like, in fact, I dun even have to tell anyone. There are things which I do not wish to say. Liking is one thing, taking action is another thing. What's the point of saying you liked someone without taking any action? I've learnt my lesson. Some things are better better kept as a secret to yourself. Dunno why, I'm becoming more scandalous as time progresses. Maybe I shd keep a distance from every gal. What puzzles me most is that I'm not very dashing and popular, so why am I the target of all these scandals?!? I guess it is because I'm still single. I think I may have to lie that I'm attached to escape from all these...haha.

Stop, turn, take a look around, at all the lights and sounds, let them bring you in. Slow burn, let it all fade out, pull the curtain down, I wonder where you've been? (quoted from the song Lights and sounds from Yellowcard)

2006-01-24T16:17:00.000+08:00

Cancer man...

The most sensitive man and the weakest emotional type in all Zodiacs. Most Artists are Cancer. Cancer is controlled by the "Moon" and the moon change it's shape daily, so Cancer man's emotional and moods change all the time too. You will confuse with him and yet it is his constantly changes that "Charm" you. He never go to get what he wants directly, but he will wait for a chance and opportunity to do so. Once he gets what he wants, he will not lose it, except if he gets tired of it by himself.

The most sensitive man who cannot stand rejection. He cares what other people feel or think of him. He hates losing face and he tends to over protect himself, so sometimes people might think he is a cold person.

Gifted, creative, imaginative, is Cancer. A mystery and complexity play a major role in a life of a Cancer man. He could be very funny, very quiet, and suddenly very sad. Living with him could be very unexpected, for you will not know what is his next mood. If you like excitement and surprise, you have the right guy and never have a chance to get bored.

He thinks of his home as "nest" and it is the safest place for him. If he feels hurt or depress he will stay at home alone quietly. Once he feels better, he will come out of his retreat and lives normally again. Being a loser is not him.

It is so easy to fall in love with this guy because he is gentle and a very polite guy. His wit and creative mind could win your affection. He will come out from his nest to protect you even if he is not opening himself up to other people much. Not many people will win his heart. His security is only when he has money in his pocket. Once he feels secure then he might think of having a happy family. Even he likes to make and keep money, he is not stingy. Spending money is part of his good image, so he will be happy to spend money to take you out to a very expensive restaurant or buy jewellery for you, certainly when he has money.

He is possessive to everything that he thinks belong to him. Don't try to talk to another cute guy in front of him, he will get suspicion because he is not very secure or confident in himself for this kind of competition.

Once you know each other too much, he will start to look for new excitement, but not to worry for he will always think of you. If he thinks you are the true love for him, and you try once to disappear. You will be sure he will come and look for you.

He is a shy guy, but if he likes you. You can get up in the morning and see that he is in front of your house everyday till you go out with him, a very persistent guy.

He likes a secure, cheerful and lively woman, confident but at the same time always acts proper and appropriate. He likes a secure woman, but able to adjust to his rapid changes. A very difficult type to find woman indeed.

In the beginning, you and him will be so sugary sweet together and he will only think of you. This so "super romantic" will not last forever, so don't slip this chance. If you are the one who want his interest, then act and make yourself interesting. Be a supportive person and give him compliment sometimes, but not too much till he thinks you are not sincere.

Unlike many other Zodiacs, if he is mad then you better get out of that room. He will calm down by himself. Giving him a slight touch on his shoulders or concerned facial expression are enough. He loves his mother, so try to be his mother favourite, but do not act like his mother!

*I'm surprised by its accuracy...haha.

Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see. I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy, because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low. Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me... (quoted from the song Bohemian rhapsody from Queen)

2006-01-23T14:01:00.000+08:00

Fatal attraction...

Sometimes, things just dun make sense. No matter how much you think you know, there will always be somethings which you can't explain about yourself. You may want something very badly, but in actual fact, that thing doesn't suit you. You may have known it, but you simply ignore it and hope that things will turn out fine. This self denial usually wouldn't do you any good. Just accept it. It is after I've come to terms with this which made me give up on something which I once thought was perfect for me. I knew it all along, and I tried to change myself to be compatible. However, all these make me feel so unnatural and fake. So what exactly is the ultimate perfect match? One will never know. Even the best scientist and mathematician can't work out a formula and calculate the answer for you. All the 'by right' and attributes doesn't matter. As long as you are happy, all those doesn't apply at all. What seems to be the best doesn't always give you the most satisfaction. The right one does. And when you found the right one, that is actually the best. Take for instance, I've not spent a lot on the items to decorate my room, but the stuff still fall nicely in place. I dun think the others will have fitted so nicely. Dun only look at things from one perspective. You'll discover a lot more when you observe from different angles. Perhaps it is my understanding of this point which makes me attracted and entertained recently. Suddenly I dun feel so critical anymore. It is not easy being a perfectionist. I feel more relieved and relaxed now. It is definitely not my standard on things has dropped, but I've learnt not to care about what others think and just have things my own way.

With the lights out, it's less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us. A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido... (quoted from the song Smells like teen spirit by Nirvana)

2006-01-21T21:53:00.000+08:00

Unsettled...

I dunno why I'm always so tired. Seems like I can never get enough sleep. However, the truth is that I asked for it. I always sleep late. Why do I sleep late? I also dunno. My shit load has piled up as high as a mountain. I dun even know how to start clearing. It is piling at a faster rate than I'm clearing. So many times I wanted to do my work, but there's always something on my mind and I can't concentrate. I can't believe it... why am I feeling like this? To hell with my reservation and restrains. Urgh!! I hate myself for losing my focus so easily. It is not like I dunno what to expect, but I simply dun care or feel like starting.

A few things I seriously need to do first to get myself back to track:
1. Sleep
2. Make up my mind
3. Confirm my interest
4. Stop slacking
5. Focus

I've been guessing, I could have been guessin' wrong. You don't know me now. I kinda thought that you should somehow. Does that whole mad season got ya down? (quoted from the song Mad season by Matchbox 20)

2006-01-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

Messed up...

I dunno how to explain what I'm feeling recently. I would like to say that I've closed my door, but it seems that I didn't close it properly... I didn't lock it. Now, the repercussion is that I'll invite unneccessary troubles and headaches, and cause myself to fall into a bigger pile of shit than last year. So many things going on in my mind that I dunno what should be the next step to take and what to expect next. One thing is for sure though, I couldn't decide, and my emotional side is getting the better of me. Drop me a hint or give me a clue to let me know what the hell is going on and what I should do...

I'm feeling that I dun belong increasingly. What the hell is the problem? Is it them or is it just me? I wonder how come these ppl can get together so well, when I've no intention to even try to start a conversation with some of them. By the way, PLEASE do not impose your ideas on me. The fact that you are ignorant doesn't mean that you should go around telling ppl abt what you perceive as right. I have no wish to argue with you. Just keep your ideas to yourself.

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? 'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun. Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won, so I took what's mine by eternal right, took your soul out into the night... (quoted from the song Goodbye my lover by James Blunt)

2006-01-16T18:07:00.000+08:00

Mahjong madness...

Been playing mahjong quite often these few days. Felt guilty actually, cause my time could be better used flipping through the lecture notes and attempt my bloody tutorials. The fact that I'm winning my fren's money also makes me feel bad. Shall try to study from now on. I realise that i'm not studying as hard as I'm playing. Kk, shall try to strike a balance!

Spent my 2 weekends doing canvasing for CAC FOC. What can I say? So much input but so little output... Well, I'm glad that we are not doing that anymore. I'm still tryig to figure out the 'bonding' part that was supposed to be around also. Maybe I'm too anti-social, thats why I dun feel anything.

My buddy was telling me that he is finding it so hard to fall in love. He doesn't feel it as strongly as last time anymore. As I ponder upon it, I realise that I'm just like him. Let's just say that I'm afraid to fall in love. There's usually too much pain involved...

This time, this place. Misused, mistakes. Too long, too late, who was I to make you wait? Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there's just one left... (quoted from the song Far away by Nickelback)

2006-01-10T21:20:00.000+08:00

New hall...

After dragging on for so many weeks, I've finally moved to the new hall 3!! I must say that the new hall really looks very nice.
It is also very hi-tech. I'm impressed by the electronic card key system. However, impressed is one thing, finding it useful is another thing. The card key is so bloody big and thick! Can't they make the stupid card smaller? Just like the Visa mini... The card is taking up too much space in my wallet, somemore have to carry it around at all times. The new room is much bigger than the old one. It is more spacious. The tables, cupboards and beds are bigger also. Got air con also, but I dun think I'll use it often. On top of that, it is brand new! The fact that I'm the first one to use it pleases me...haha. Shall leave a mark on them before I leave...hehe. Spent a lot of time moving the furnitures with my roomie till we finally found the ultimate arrangement: enough space to set up a mahjong table!! Now the only problem is to find a 'mahjong' table. Haha... I kinda like the location of my room. It is the nearest to the toilet, lounge and the bridge to block 3B, which means I can get to canteen 13 easier. It is also very near to the lift and is on the 4th floor, the highest level guys can stay. The whole place is quite airy. There's heater in every shower room now, which means there's no more standard timing for hot water. Haha, can bathe anytime I want now.

nice scenery

so cool! the knob flashes when u flash the card

see how big the card is

study, study, study!

bedtime!!

Overall, the new hall is bigger(double room), nicer and better than the old hall. However, the MAJOR problem is that it is too expensive. I still can't decide if I'll be staying next year. See how it goes...

I'm in the sky tonight. There I can keep by your side, watching the wide world riot and hiding out. I'll be coming home next year, into the sun we climb, climbing our wings will burn white. Everyone strapped in tight, we'll ride it out... (quoted from the song Next year by Foo Fighters)

2006-01-07T03:40:00.000+08:00

Gold!!

Wow! Hall 3 boggle team won gold for the inter hall games!! The best part is that I'm in the winning team, so that means I should get a medal too....yay!! I was the reserve for the team together with the team manager, Aimee. Haha, we din contribute much to the team except winning the only match that we played in, which is against hall 14. It was actually a walk in the park as our opponents were quite weak. Nonetheless, it was quite interesting. Our captain, Shuyi purposely field us against hall 14 to let us gain experience. Ok lah... quite a gd experience. Managed to trashed the opponent with a score of 86-41 over 3 boards. To my liking, the 3 boards are small boards. I like to play small to medium boards as I can't really write very fast. Sometimes if i write too fast, I can't even recognise my own handwriting...haha. I guess I was quite lenient also lah, cos I din really challenge her words. As long as my score is greater than hers, I'm fine with it..heehee, I just can't be bothered.

The current team is made up of 4 seniors(Joon Leng, Alina, Shuyi & Bennie) and 1 freshie(Leroy), but 3 of the seniors are in their final year, which means that aimee and myself will most probably have to play next year due to our 'seniority'. Haha, the problem is whether I'll still want to play boggle next year. I dun even know if I'll still be staying in hall 3 next year. Without the 3 seniors, Bennie and Leroy will be our only experienced player. Aiyo, how to retain the title?? Dun care...

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad. I got sunshine, in a bag. I'm useless, but not for long. The future is coming on... (quoted from the song Clint Eastwood by Gorillaz)